What Would My Response Be?

"You are to have a son" - the angel.
"May it be so" - Mary.

Do I live out my faith? Do I make a conscious, daily effort to live God's way and not my own?

Naturally at this time of year there is much talk of Mary and Joseph and their faith, but I don't think I've ever looked at it so deeply before. What it must have been like for both of them I cannot even imagine! For Mary it might have been dealing with the thoughts of others, how they thought the worst of her, but for Joseph, what must they have thought? Probably that he was the father, and maybe they were both trying to make up for their mistakes by continuing on with the marriage even though according to everyone else they were no longer pure before the Lord. And yet they were, both of them, and they both chose God over the thoughts of others, over the looks of disapproval and possibly loss of friends and maybe even family who didn't understand. What a faith. What trust in the Almighty One, in our Provider. Though the Lord does promise provision, I find it is often difficult to trust, or to see it when it is right in front of me, because often His provision is different than what I would have thought it should be. And yet every time it is always enough, it is always exactly what I needed, I just have to open my eyes and be willing to see it. I am a planner, so I have all these pictures in my mind about how I think life should turn out, often times those "plans" are the very things that keep me from seeing what God has given me because it does not look like what I had "planned". What He must think of me as He watches me struggle through my plans blind to the ones that He has laid down right before me...

The Lord is so patient with me, and I am so grateful for that patience. During this Christmas season He has challenged me with what my response might have been if I had been in Mary's shoes, or if tomorrow He asked something "outrageous" of me. What would my response be? Though an angel has never come to me and told me that I am to have a son out of wedlock, I have had my challenges, and I have acted in faith. Maybe not every time, well lets be honest, of course not every time, I am not perfect. But I have trusted that the Lord knows better, that He is greater, and that He has a plan. I struggle through my trusting, I take back certain things that I have given over to Him, but I do always come back. I always end up at His feet, kneeling and wondering why I take things back when it never does any good. Why do I feel the need to be in control? Why do I have the desire to know exactly how every decision is going to turn out? Why? Because I am weak, and yet in my weakness He is strong. I am in awe of His love, His mercies that are new every morning, His patience which I constantly seem to try. What a Savior, what a God. I am one who trusts and yet fails in my trusting. I am one who hopes and yet worries in my hoping. I am one who loves but one who often fears in my loving. I am sinner. I stumble and I fall. I make wrong decisions. I worry. And yet here I am, a child of God, sitting at His feet crying Abba, crying Father.

Here's a song by Shane and Shane, it's called Without You, I hope it touches your heart.

Wherever you are, be all there

Life has flown by these last weeks and I have allowed it so without taking the time to savor, to enjoy. I haven't hurried but I haven't "been all there". You know how you can look back on a day or a week and wonder "Where in the world did the time go?!", well that's how it feels now. I wonder how my last post I was sitting, waiting to finally be back in Charlotte, and yet now, here I sit in Ingersoll, all moved into our new home sitting on our new couch. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Well, I can tell you where the time went, every day comes and then it goes, there isn't a day that is more or less than 24 hours, and yet somehow I seemed to have missed so many. I have missed moments. I have been too worried or preoccupied with the "what if's" and the "oh that will be here soon, better get ready!" that I've missed out on the right now moments. I am sad, and yet I don't want to miss this moment because I'm focusing on what I've missed. I just want to be more aware. I want to stop, I want to enjoy, I want to be all there. I want to watch the snow flakes fall like I did this morning, I want to sit and soak up every word I read from my Bible, from Jane Austin, from Brennan Manning, from Ann Voskamp. I want to relish in the washing of dishes and cleaning of floors, of washing and drying clothes in our own home, in the new oven that burnt our bacon and the amazing cabinet space that we have in our new kitchen. I want to experience every moment and not let them pass me by.

Christ calls us to a life of joy, and how can joy not be found when we enter into life, enter into each moment that we are given and give thanks in and for that moment? Giving thanks makes each moment greater, it gives each moment a greater depth of meaning, each moment becomes a sanctuary. Joy is found in moments of thanksgiving. Peace is found when I give over my control, that I only think I have, and lay my moments at His feet, and trust Christ to be my Provider, my Wisdom, my Healer.

Jesus, allow me to be "all there" as I live this life that You have given me. Let me see You in new ways, let me see Your wonder, Your beauty that You have designed for this life. Give my a heart of thanksgiving so that I might keep my focus on You rather than becoming distracted with the fast paced life the world offers. I want to enter every moment and savor it, cherish it, and see Your grace and provision in its midst ~ Amen

Flight 3221 Service to Charlotte

I am currently sitting in the Toronto Airport waiting on my flight to Charlotte. I've done this several times over the last year and half, but there is something very different about this trip. I am headed to Charlotte for a visit, I'm not coming home from one...this is a very hard concept for me to wrap my mind around. The thought of visiting Charlotte is just weird. Charlotte is where I grew up, it is the familiar, it is home, and yet I am coming for a visit. A rather long visit which I am grateful for, but a visit all the same. It's so weird because I am so excited to come, to see people, to eat at Chickfila and go to Target, but I will dearly miss Ingersoll. I will miss my husband, I will miss Juanita :) I will miss waking up to snow (as long as I can stay inside in the warmth and not have to go out and brave the cold!), I will miss family and friends, I will miss home. I feel torn in two different directions, I want to be in Charlotte and I want to be in Ingersoll at the same time. They are both home, they both hold my heart, they both call my name asking me to come and be, but I will always have to leave one for the other. But in the midst of the leaving I am grateful for technology. I am grateful that I can see faces even when I'm not there in person. I am grateful that I can send "letters" that will be received instantly rather than barely arriving before I return. I am grateful for love and grace in both places, for my Charlotte home being grateful for my presence and yet knowing and encouraging my return to Ingersoll, and my Ingersoll home knowing that I need a touch of the South, of my roots, and granting me the grace to visit knowing that I will return soon. What love, to be pulled in so many directions, but how hard it is to leave both homes, no matter the length of absence it is hard to leave either place. But I am grateful that I have the ability to go home, to drink sweet tea and go to Joan's for Thanksgiving (Oh I cannot wait!!!!!!), to see my brother graduate from boot camp (what a proud sister I am!!!!), to see friends and family in person, to touch and hug and laugh, to be home. And I am grateful that when I return to Ingersoll I will be glad to be home. I will go to Coffee Culture and get a Chai Tea (love it!), I will go to Juanita's and distract Liam from school, I will go to youth group and laugh and build relationship, I will be home. What joy I find in both places...thank you Jesus for granting me the grace to be so loved and to have the ability to be home, wherever that might be at the time.

Prayer...

Today I am challenged with a blog post by Ann Voskamp. If you are not familiar with her she is the author of the book One Thousand Gifts and has a beautiful way with words. Check out her post from November 2: When you desperately want God to hear your prayers. For me it was a great encouragement and challenge to look deeply into my prayer life, into my heart and look at my motives behind prayer. Why do I pray? Do I pray for my benefit or for anothers? Do I pray in faith or do I pray in want? I remember hearing it said that God always answers our prayers, it's either Yes, No or Later. So what happens when He answer's my prayers in a way that doesn't please me? Will I still trust Him? What if I am praying selflessly for another, truly longing for their good and God answers No? What then? How do I respond?

I want to respond in faith, in trust, in the the knowledge that He can see the whole picture and I can only see glimpses here and there. I want to remember Romans 12:2 which says "...the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Do I believe that? Truly, no matter how my prayers are answered will I choose to believe that He knows better than myself? Even if circumstances seem everything but good, acceptable, and perfect will I choose to believe, and trust and continue to pray anyway? I long for this to be true, though we all struggle, stumble and fall our Father is always there to pick us up again. How amazing He is!

I choose to believe that no matter what happens, no matter what my struggles are, that He is greater and that His plan is perfect. No matter what is going on around me, no matter who is struggling, I will pray for the Lord's will to be done and not my own, and not their own. Because I only want His will in my life, my will, though it may look better at the moment, is nothing if Christ is not in it. And if I do not want anything that He has not granted for myself how could I want something that He has not granted for another?

Jesus thank You for Your will, Your good, acceptable and perfect will. Thank You for the knowledge that no matter what happens, You are there, and You are greater. What a comfort that is! Thank You for Your love, Your peace, Your grace, Your mercy, Your faithfulness. Thank You for this reminder to pray Your will to be done and not my own.

Freedom is found...

...on the dance floor.

When the music is playing and it is just me and Jesus and the dance floor, that is Heaven on earth. How I miss the days of classes full of stretching, both in spirit and in body, moving to the rhythm and beat of the music, full of His leading. I believe everyone has their "Jesus thing" as I like to call it :) Some find it in music, either played or sung, some in the written word, some in capturing moments through camera lenses, some through the playing of sports, and the list could go on and on, and then there are the dancers. That's me. I find my true self in the grace filled movement that is found when the body lives out the music that is played. That is where I find rest and peace, where I can see the face of my Creator and feel His presence all around me...in dance I find Christ and in Christ there is freedom.

Home...

What is home? Home is where the heart is. Can your heart be in more than one place at once? I think so, because when I think of home, I feel like I have many. Charlotte will always be home to me, it is where I grew up, where the familiar is, where so many friends and family are, it is home. Ingersoll is also home, it is where I am a wife, I am Mrs. Boniface, a woman, not just a girl that many have known since childhood, it is where Matthew is, and wherever he is that will always be home. Capernwray is home, it is where I truly found myself and then gave myself back and chose to choose Christ over anything or anyone else no matter the consequences, it is where I learned in my heart that Christ is LIFE and there is nothing outside of Him. Heaven is home, it is my eternal home, where I will live in the presence of my heavenly Father forever when He chooses to take me there, and what a day that will be!

Quiet in the midst of Chaos

Peace.

What a lovely word. I love peace. I love the sense of well being I have when I am at peace. It is rest. It is Matthew 11:28 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I long for rest, I long to "be Mary" and sit at my Father's feet and not "be Martha" who doesn't take the time to sit at her Father's feet. But alas life happens. The chaos. In this fast paced world where is peace? Rest? Where is the time to sit at the Father's feet? The time is waiting for me to stop, in the midst of the chaos and be quiet. To "be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 42:10). We are to be still and in the stillness we are to know that He is God.

On Sunday afternoon Matthew and I took time to sit at our Father's feet. He sat downstairs on our couch and I sat up on our bed, and we were still, quiet before our God. I read my Bible, I wrote down scriptures, like the ones above, to remind me of the stillness He calls me too. I prayed. And I was quiet. For anyone who knows me, you know that I love to talk. I can talk to just about anybody about just about anything, it's just who I am :) So for me to sit down and shut my mouth and quiet my mind is a big thing...but I did it, and it was wonderful. It was peaceful. For me I find peace in the will of God, and that is how I have chosen to decipher if I am in the will of God or not. I don't want to freak out or always worry about if I'm in the will of God. So I have decided to trust. God is not a God of confusion, He does not call us to a guessing game, He calls us to Himself. And He says if we seek Him we WILL find Him...and for me finding Him is peace. If I am truly seeking Him above everything and everyone else, He will reveal Himself. But if I am not looking I can miss Him time after time, because I wasn't willing to take the time to be still and know that He is God. So when I take the time to be still, I seek peace. I seek for the beating of my heart to slow and for that nervous feeling in my stomach to disappear. I seek to clear my mind and allow Him to speak into my heart, my life. I open my heart to my God and I ask for His will to be done and not my own...and then I wait. I wait for the stillness, for the quiet, for the peace. And it always comes, maybe not in that instant, but eventually, if I'm willing to wait and be patient (which can both be struggles for me!), whether for 5 minutes, 5 days or 5 months, eventually it always comes. Because when I truly give up my desires for this life, and actively seek His desires for this life, my perspective changes. I remember that this is His life that He has given me to live, not the other way around. My life is but a breath, a moment, in the grand scheme of things, so how am I going to let Him use the moment that He has given me? I will seek Him above all else, I will learn from my mistakes which I will undoubtedly make, and I will take the time to sit at my Father's feet. To be still, to find peace, and to be quiet in the midst of the chaos.