Goodbye Canada...Hello Charlotte

There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions as I type those words. 

I love Charlotte. It was my home for 22 years. It's where I grew up. It's where my family is. It's where my warm days are. It's where Spring and Fall are glorious and long. It's where there's central air conditioning anywhere you go. It's where Chickfila is (and sweet tea of course!). 

But I've grown to love Canada too. I have built and married into family here. It's where hot tea and coffee and cozy blankets await. It's where Compassion is. It's where the clouds amaze me. It's where our life, as a married couple, has grown. It's where we've created memories together. 

And oh the changes that have brought us to this decision to move to Charlotte! Where to begin...married life? Lyme? Canada? Charlotte? Work? Moving? Separation? 

I guess the beginning is always the best place to start, though it is so hard to decipher where the beginning truly lies. We haven't even been married for 3 years yet, and the journey's we have travelled together blow my mind. It has been a very difficult road that we have been on. Every marriage is unique, as there are two unique people in each marriage, that would make sense right? Well, ours has been a very difficult first few years. We've been through immigration, and therefore physical separation (and now we're going to do it again). We've been through relational walls, miscommunication, non existent communication, and technology run "relationship". We've laughed and we've cried, a lot. We've gotten it right and we've gotten it wrong, a lot. We've wondered what we've gotten ourselves into and we've rejoiced in where we are and who we're with. We've been ready to throw in the towel and we've been committed to each other and to our vows to one another and to the Lord. To think it hasn't even been 3 years yet doesn't even seem possible with all that has transpired. But through all the many ups and the many, many downs. The Lord has been so gracious. He has restored. He has blessed our relationship. He has brought us closer than I ever thought possible. He has changed our hearts as individuals and as a couple. He has brought us to our knees and held us close. He is truly an amazing God and He can truly rescue and redeem anything! How do you say thank you for such a gift? All I know is that I can't seem to stop smiling and rejoicing in my loving Savior and the husband that He has truly blessed me with. I am grateful and excited for our future together...oh our God is great!

And then there's Lyme, that has seen fit to take over my (and consequently our) life over the last few months. I haven't been really healthy since moving to Canada over 2 years ago, but the last year has brought things pretty low in the health department. It is so hard, as I sit here on the couch, barely able to type out this post because it requires so much precious energy. It is hard to want to invest in those here as I prepare to move back down to Charlotte. It is hard to have to leave my incredible job at Compassion and all those I have come to love so dearly there. It is hard to try and pack up a life in one country to move it to another all while hardly having the energy to walk up and down the stairs. But it is amazing the "bursts" of energy that come when I need them most. How gracious the Lord is to give my husband the dedication and servants' heart to come home from a long days work to wash the dishes and vacuum the stairs (as well as the rest of the house!). And how blessed I feel to not have enough time and energy to be able to spend with all of the incredible people that He has placed in my life over the past 2 years. It's truly an incredible gift to have so many people that have touched my life so deeply in such a short amount of time. 

So through it all, through marriage, through Lyme, through moving, through long distance friendships and marriage, God is good. He is gracious. He is kind. He is in control and nothing ever takes Him by surprise. 

For those who we will be "leaving behind" in Canada. We love you, and I will back to visit over the next few months as we enter into a long distance marriage once again. And to those who we're "coming back too" in Charlotte, we're excited to see you again and to build relationship with you as a couple :)

Overflowing Blessings

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

When I look back at this week I am amazed to see such a contrast between the valley and the anointing. This week has felt long. I haven't worked at all and the days just seem to drag on and on when you're unable to get out of bed. And yet, this morning I have tears in my eyes as I look at all the blessings that have come from this week.

~ Matthew started his job at Wal-Mart ~ I had visits from Christine, Juanita & Shelley ~ Juanita and RoseMary stocked my fridge with amazing gluten free meals and snacks ~ we had a lovely evening of fellowship with Ted and Sharon last night ~ there are now lovely purple orchids on my dresser, another blessing from RoseMary ~

And there are more blessings to come as I look ahead...

~ Victoria, Joe, Daniel, Dustin and Luke are all coming over this evening ~ And I leave on Monday to go and stay with Amanda and Michael over the next couple of weeks to help in my recovery ~ 

And of course there have been more through phone calls, emails, blogs, books and #shereadstruth in 1 Peter this week. These blessings that often come from others that do not know the heart and physical struggles that are my everyday life, and each one breathes life and hope into this heart of mine.  

It is amazing as I look at the struggles that are overwhelmingly before Matthew and me. Satan is working hard for the desire to wallow in doubt to win out, and yet the Lord is victorious! We are in a spiritual battle with the Evil one who so desperately wants to distract and overwhelm so that all we can see is our insurmountable circumstances. But our God is bigger, He is greater, He is All-Powerful, He is Provider, He is the King of Kings, He is Comforter, and He is Abba. He is everything that we could ever need and more. Our focus has to move away from circumstances and onto our Heavenly Father.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love [Him], to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Real Life {It All Starts With Thanksgiving}

"...and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. And they all ate and were satisfied..."

Matthew 15:36-37

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will if profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus' rode wasn't easy. He didn't have a "cake walk" during his years spent here on earth, and so why should we expect our lives to be any different? Or when we experience hard times, why does that make us wonder if God is really there? Christ came to this earth to suffer and then commanded us to "pick up our own cross and follow Him". I would say those words should make us expect the hard times, the times when we don't understand why, and the struggles that come our way.

And yet what is our attitude during those difficult times when we find ourselves face to face with uncertainty? When the spiritual decisions we feel the Lord is calling us to war against the practical and earthly mindset of our every daily lives? When stepping out in faith isn't a little thing, but something that looks impossible/stupid/insurmountable when we look at what lays before us through our human eyes rather than looking into the unknown and the uncertainty through the eyes of faith. I would have to say that my attitude isn't always the best. In reality, it pretty much stinks!

I am definitely the one to look at everything in a practical sense. "Well if we do this than that will happen, so therefore we can't do that. But if we do this than that might happen and that could be good or bad but I can't guarantee anything so we probably shouldn't do that either..." And I could go on and on. This is the reality of my brain. I want to have a detailed plan that ensures that everything is going to work out fine. I want to be responsible. I want to look put together on the outside even if I'm a hot mess on the inside. 

The Lord has been challenging me A LOT recently through the many uncertainties that He has brought into my life over the last several months. And yet through this time He has also brought people into my life to speak words of encouragement and conviction that He is using to mold my heart and my mind to be open to His leading no matter what that looks like. He has used friends and family here in Ingersoll as well as back in Charlotte. He has used women I have never met but who I feel are walking with me through this journey by their willingness to sharing their words through a computer screen or through the books piled on my nightstand...

~ Ann Voskamp ~

"That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem."

 How to Live Through the Really Hard Storms

"And I’ve felt Him say to me in the deepest part of my heart, the part I sometimes let get too covered up, “You are so much harder on yourself than I am.”

I am. I’m hard on myself. I get caught up in the comparison game and feel like everyone is loving better, living more purposefully, doing more significant things and, essentially, blooming so much better than me.

I give other people the benefit of the doubt, but I never give myself that same grace. And that’s what God has been whispering over me.

Grace."

The Light of His Grace

Emily P Freeman ~ Grace for the Good Girl

Sarah Young ~ Jesus Calling

Each of these individuals have touched my heart deeply. God has used their words to bring me to a breaking point where I acknowledge that I want to be in control, I want to do what's right (and what other people think is right), I care about what other's think and it can sometimes rule my decision making. All these hidden heart attitudes, and more, that the Lord is bringing to light so that He can draw me closer to Himself. He is convicting me of my lack of faith in my God and in my husband, because I am not willing to let go so that they together, as the head of our house and our life can lead me. I'm just too scared as to what that might look like, but I am learning to let go, because letting go is all that I have left...

So, this might cause you to wonder what uncertainties would bring me through all this heart struggling? Well Matthew has been looking for a job since November of 2012 and until last week was unable to find anything. Thankfully last week he was able to get a part time job at Wal-Mart which we are both so grateful for! During the time that he was looking for a job my health also began to decline. I had to start pulling out of commitments that I had made (like being a youth leader and attending small group through our church) and my life began to consist of going to work, trying to sleep as much as possible, and hoping to make it to church every Sunday (which didn't always happen). But over the last several weeks my health has taken a drastic dip downward so that I am now having to take time off of work to  allow my body the time it needs to heal.

During this time of healing and recovery we will be living on the part-time hours that Matthew will be working at Wal-Mart . This of course put my overactive, everything has to make sense, we need a plan, brain into a major freak out session! I cried, asked God why, I ranted, I threw up my hands in an overwhelming "I don't know anything" motion. And He has answered. Not my questions mind you, He has answered by reminding me Who He is. He has been patient through my freak out session (ok, lets be honest, there's been more than one!) and has shown up in a mighty way. He hasn't changed our circumstances, and He hasn't made anything more clear in human terms. But He has bombarded me with the Truth about Who He is, what He is capable of, and what He has brought me through in the past and what He has brought others through. 

He is faithful. I know this to be true. He is now giving me the opportunity to live out what I say that I believe. And it is my choice to take Him up on it. It is my choice to say, "Ok, You are God and I am not. You love me more than I could possibly imagine. And You, not me, You are in control." Now the question is, will I trust Him, really truly trust Him with every single "I don't know" detail that we are faced with?

Yes. I will trust Him. Though I will fail, though I will let myself get overwhelmed when I look at the reality of what He is asking us to do, I come back with a broken and battered heart and lay it all at His feet once again. And I will trust Him.

Real Life {When It's Easier to Believe the Lies}

Jacob, why do you complain? 

Israel, why do you say, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord,

and my rights are ignored by my God”?

Don’t you know? 

Haven’t you heard?

The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

doesn’t grow tired or become weary. 

His understanding is beyond reach. 

He gives strength to those who grow tired 

and increases the strength of those who are weak. 

Even young people grow tired and become weary, 

and young men will stumble and fall. 

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord 

will be renewed. 

They will soar on wings like eagles. 

They will run and won’t become weary.

They will walk and won’t grow tired.

 

Isaiah 40:27 - 31

 

I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the Truth that is found in these scriptures.

 

Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.

Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.

But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.

I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.

If You Want Me To

by Ginny Owens

 

Real Life {How To Be Real in A New Community}

It's the end of week two of working at my new job at Compassion Canada. It is also my first sick day...not exactly how I wanted to start.

Every time I enter into a new community I forget how hard it is to honestly share life, my unique life, with new people. 

Thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful people on a daily basis. It has blown my mind how caring and loving the staff of Compassion are. I don't think there is any other place I could have felt comfortable enough to ask for a sick day two weeks into my training. The Lord has blessed me more than I could have possibly imagined and I am so grateful! 

But no matter how wonderful and amazing the people are, I still struggle with the fear of their judgments and opinions. Wondering what they think of me. It is something that I have always struggled with. And it is something that I constantly have to give over to the Lord, knowing that He loves me and that He is where I need to find my worth and value, not in others opinions.

Nevertheless, I am never more aware of how invisible Lyme is to "the outside world" until I am thrown into a new environment. I worry how people take the fact that every day I fight the battle of Lyme disease, without it being an obvious battle that they will see. I struggle with honestly telling people how I feel each day because I don't want to bore them with the consistency of Lyme.

I forget how much I cherish being able to tell just one person, "It's not a good day", and knowing that they get it. I miss the camaraderie of struggling through life together and understanding each others quirks. I love knowing what makes a person tick, what touches their heart, what they struggle with, what they love, what bothers them. I love truly knowing people. Not just the surface stuff, but the nitty-gritty-real-life stuff.

In light of my struggle, I thought I would let someone else describe it for you. It is always a blessing when you find someone else who can describe your life. It brings home the fact that you are not alone in your struggle. Though this article is written by someone with Lupus, it describes many aspects and choices I am daily faced with: The Spoon Theory.

I hope you enjoyed the article. I hope that you can understand just a bit more how valuable life really is. I hope you realize that composing a blog post takes at least one spoon. That washing the dishes can take anywhere from 1 to 4 spoons depending on the day. That by the time I have "gotten ready" for work in the morning (rolled out of bed, taken a shower, done my hair, put on makeup, eaten breakfast, made lunch, etc.) that I could have spent half of my spoons for the day before I ever leave the house. It's quite a different way of living life isn't it?

Life is a blessing. Through Lyme and being faced with how to practically live life every day, I hope I take fewer things for granted. Having the energy to go out with friends is a gift. Having the energy to wash dishes after I get home from work is a gift. Having the energy to clean the house is a gift. Having the energy to stay up late is a gift.

Everything in life is a gift and I am grateful to be able to see through the lens of Lyme disease :)

Choose Joy

...what does it mean to choose joy?
...how can I daily choose joy?
...how can I be joyful in the midst of the pain and sorrow of this life?
...is being joyful and being happy the same thing?
...am I designed for joy? 

I am currently reading Kay Warren's book Choose Joy and it is one of the best books I have read recently. Over the last few months this idea of choosing joy has really resonated with me, it touches heart strings that I didn't even know I had.

I want to choose joy but I don't want to be fake and always "be happy" even when things are not going so well. I struggle with how to have joy and how to be open and vulnerable at the same time. What does it look like to be honest in my struggles while still choosing joy? I don't know, but I'm beginning to learn.

Choosing joy isn't about being happy all the time. Joy does not equal fake, it equals faith. Kay Warren defines it this way:

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things.

This definition immediately made me think of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which were the verses the Lord laid on my heart during my years at Capernwray Harbour Bible School, "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Joy can be found in the midst of whatever circumstances we find ourselves if we are willing to let go and let God. If we can come to realize that no matter where we are in life, that God is there and that He is in control and that He hasn't forgotten us. If we can trust God to be our Provider, our Healer, our Hope, our Rock, our Refuge, our Savior, our LIFE, to be everything that He promises He is, than we can choose joy in any circumstance.

Joy is not always easy, but it is always a choice. 

There Will Never Be Another You

There will never be another you. God does not create us with different sets of cookie cutters thinking, "Oh I liked this one last time so lets give it another go!" Rather, "[God] made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13. There will never be another you.

I have been thinking about this a lot and how this should affect how I live my life. Instead of trying to be a cookie cutter, I want to strive to be the 'me' that God had in mind when He purposefully and intricately created me. There is a reason that I am 5'8" and not 5'5", pale skinned and not olive skinned; that I tend to be cold and not hot, and there is a reason that I have Lyme disease and am not a healthy energetic woman. There is purpose behind everything that the Lord does, and I truly want to believe this so deeply that it changes how I live.

Recently I've been reading a lot of marriage blogs, articles and books looking for the guidelines and step-by-step process for 'the perfect marriage'. Not perfect as in flawless, but perfect as in, 'How many dates should we go on per week/month?' 'How long do we wait until we have kids?' 'What is the right amount of money that we should have in the bank account?' etc. etc. etc. I think what my heart is really asking is, 'What is the right formula?!?'

Guess what, there is no formula. I am unique, there has never been and never will be another me; my husband is unique, there has never been and never will be another him. So how in the world can I expect there to be a formula for us? Another couple may have figured out what works for them, but that same process will not work for us because we are uniquely us. It's really beautiful if I stop and think about it rather than focusing on the fact I have nothing to check off on my to-do list.

My 'formula' is found in Ephesians 5:21-33 where it is said, 'So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.'

Just because so-and-so got married and had kids right away doesn't mean that we should do the same. And if our friends bought a house right after their wedding, it doesn't mean that we've failed at marriage because we've been married over a year and still don't own a home. We are not here to copy other people, rather we are here to be uniquely us and figure out what that means in the Lord's timing. 

I am learning this same lesson when it comes to being a woman. When I see someone with a cute hair cut, outfit, kid, car, pair of shoes, house, great book collection, a fantastic singing voice, toned body, or great writing skills, I crave it. I want it. I covet it. Bad, bad, bad. Seriously?!? Have I forgotten those words spoken from Mt. Sinai, 'You shall not covet'? That is a commandment, am I into ignoring commandments now? Is that the kind of woman I want to be, no!
 
But it's just so hard isn't it, when you see something that is just out of your reach, and in comes Satan weaving his lies into your head and your heart, watering the seed of want. 

I want to be a woman who wants God above all else. To seek Him in the midst of my coveting heart crying out, 'Lord, cleanse me, wash me of these selfish desires that keep me far from them, rescue me!'

Rather than trying to find a checklist for a great marriage, a great exercise plan, or the right amount of chores to do each day, I want to seek Him with all my heart and let Him fill me. I want to stop searching for other people and things to fill the Jesus whole in my heart. Whether that be my husband, my friends, our bank account, when to have kids, when to buy a house, when to get a second car...I want to want Jesus above it all.

So God here I am, crying out 'Abba Father!' and asking you to renew my mind and focus my heart attitude on you. Thank you so much for your patience with me as I seek you and then once again, give in to my selfish desires and turn away from you. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness that you freely offer to your children. 

Today, I choose you, whatever comes Jesus, I choose you.

There is Always Hope

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me - to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weakensses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Lyme. I have labeled it my "thorn in the flesh", and yet do I boast in it? Do I boast in my weaknesses for Christ's sake? No, not really. How do I boast and praise when I am unable to wash the dishes piling up in my sink, when the laundry hamper is over-flowing, and when I am in bed rather then investing in our youth group at church? Why? Why was I given Lyme? Why is it an invisible disease that many do not see? Why? I know and I don't know all at the same time. I know that this is the life that Christ has given me, that He has entrusted to me, to reveal Him and His glory in this life. I don't know why He chose me for this particular life and how I am to reveal Him through it, but He did. I want with all my heart to love and praise Him for that choice 24/7, but I don't. I put myself down and beat myself up for being unable to do the simplest chores, I wallow and complain about my "unfair and difficult" circumstances. And yet I have a home (yes with dirty dishes in the sink, clothes waiting to be washed, floors asking to be vacuumed and mopped, but it still a home), I have food in my cabinets and in my frig, I have a husband that faithfully goes to work and who would and will do anything to provide for me.

I am blessed.

Sometimes I miss the blessings, I get distracted from them, but they're always there if I am willing to just open my eyes and see them. It is hard in the midst of my inadequacies to see the hope and the blessings staring me in the face, because sometimes I just want to be miserable. I feel like that is the only way to be when all I let myself see is the hardship, the Lyme, the things I can't do. But there is more, so much more if I will take off the blinders that I have purposefully put on and see life through the eyes of Christ. If I will give thanks and bless my Lord as I stand smack-dab in the middle of my weaknesses. Will I give thanks? Will I let Christ put away from me the self-loathing, the self-pity, and let Him put on me joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control? Will I let God be God? Will I give over my weaknesses and let Him be my strength, even when I feel like there is no strength to be had? Will I rely on Him, trust in Him, acknowledge that without Him I am nothing? 

Will I hope?

Sometimes it's hard to hope, sometimes it feels like hoping will take more strength than you feel that you possess. Because what if hope fails? What if you're left stranded as your hopes pass you by? What then? Then comes faith, which has always been there but is being put to the test. Then comes trust, in the God who knows all and has a plan that is specifically designed for each and every one of us. As children of God we have chosen to pick up our cross...and carry them! Don't forget that it is not just about taking up our cross, it is about carrying it through life! We don't just get to pick it up so we can put if back down when it gets hard, we have been called to Christ, who carried His cross and died upon it. And yet God does not leave us to carry it on our own, in Matthew 11:28-30, Christ says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in hear, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." He is with me, He will carry my burden with me, I am not alone, I am never alone!

Father God thank You for...

...never leaving me nor forsaking me.

...the opportunity to live in your strength and no my own.

...revealing Yourself to me in mysterious ways.

...opening my eyes to the blessing all around me.

...picking up and carrying Your cross.

...dying on Your cross and conquering death.

...Your hope.

This is the song Glorious Day by Casting Crowns: 

A Thankful Heart

Tears...ibuprofin...more tears...hot bath...and finally sleep. That was my night last night. I haven't ever had a migraine that bad. It was brutal, and, unfortunately, sucked all the life right out of me. I had been functioning a bit better these last few days, and then another set back. But I found a quote today that really convicted me:

Instead of looking at what you’re not doing, consider how you can do more good in what you are doing.

Now it took me a while to think of what good I could do while laying on the couch all day, but then I started thinking...I can pray. I can say thank you to my husband for being willing to get things for me so I don't have to get up and use the little energy I have left. I can not feel sorry for myself and be thankful that I was able to get up out of bed this morning (even though it was with a lot of help, at least I'm up right?).

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  ~  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Lord placed this scripture upon my heart when I was at Capernwray two years ago. What a high calling! These verses have shown me an enlightening way of life. I'm realizing that finding things to be thankful for brings joy and as I'm focusing on the things I'm thankful for, I pray. Isn't it a beautiful picture? Joy. Now I do not consider joy as an empty happiness or smiling all the time, but rather a deeper experience. Happiness is so often based upon our circumstances. To me joy is a peaceful heart, a serenity that is discovered and lived out despite my circumstances; it is where faith and hope meet :) It is when I choose to see through where I am and acknowledge that God is bigger and greater than my "right now" circumstances. He has the bigger picture and I cannot wait to get to heaven and see how He chose to use me, even when I was on the couch. Because I believe that He is big enough and that anything is possible :)

Tired and yet Alive

This past week has been rough...health wise at least. For those of you who don't know I have Lyme disease so my life is a little different than most, though I try to hide it. I am tired, though that is normal for me. It is not often that I don't feel tired, but those days do come and I try my best to make the most of them without pushing myself over my breaking point. And when I don't feel well it is very easy for me to become discouraged. Like I have been over this past week. I focus so much on the negative things, what I am unable to get done rather than what I am able to get done. It is a hard place to be. I long so desperately to seek Him in all my ways and to find my satisfaction and purpose in Him rather than in the things of this world, but that is very hard and I fail often. Though I do find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus and pouring out my heart to Him, it doesn't happen as often as it should, though I always feel much brighter and more alive once I have given over my burdens. I can be very prideful and stubborn, and I like everything to be done to perfection. Which of course everything is not so it is a losing battle, but for some reason I choose to fight it anyway. But I am weary of this fight. Of this fight to be perfect in the midst of my imperfections. I will never be perfect, not until I stand in Glory when my Father calls me Home. Oh how I long for that day! No more guilt, no more shame, no more trying to measure up, no more trying to be perfect.

I found a link the other day that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face all at the same time. I found that I am not alone in my struggle for perfection. I hope you will take the time to read through this link, it spoke peace and encouragement to my tired and weary soul.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/when-perfectionism-and-to-do-lists-are-overwhelming/

I will forever struggle with being perfect, but when I think of perfect, so often I think of the mundane, everyday life things that I would like to be perfect. I want my house to always be clean, I want my dishes always washed and put away, I want my floors clean and everything organized, I want plenty of money in the bank for "security". I want. I want. I want. Why is it always about what I want and not about what He wants? So, in my desire for perfection I long to think of Christ rather than this world. Why not focus on humility (Philippians 2:3-11), on hospitality (even when the house isn't clean), on love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a), on patience (even when everything isn't organized), on trusting in Christ for my security and not in a bank account? That is the life that I am called too and yet one that I so often get distracted from. I focus on the here and now, the things that are right in front of me, the things of this world that will fade away and not the things eternal that will last forever and ever. Jesus gave a higher calling than the everyday, mundane life. His calling is one of eternity, of security that will never end, of peace, of joy, of love, of LIFE. I want to choose every day to strive to His LIFE. In the midst of my failings, of my yearnings for perfection, I want to choose Christ. I want to lay down my desires, my wants, my "needs" and place them at the feet of my Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever dream and He has a plan for me. A plan that is perfect in the midst of imperfection, a plan that is good in the midst of the bad, a plan that is pleasing to Him. What more security could I ever hope to find than that promise? I want to focus on what I am able to do rather than what I am unable to do. To take life one step and one day at a time and to trust in the Lord to take care of the rest.