Letting Go of the Good Girl {SheSharesTruth}

SheSharesTruth

"O Lord, do not angrily punish me or discipline me in your wrath. Your hand has struck me hard. No healthy spot is left on my body because of your rage. There is no peace in my bones because of my sin. My guilt has overwhelmed me. Like a heavy load, it is more than I can bear. My wounds smell rotten. They fester because of my stupidity. I am bent over and bowed down very low. All day I walk around in mourning. My insides are filled with burning pain, and no healthy spot is left on my body. I am numb and completely devastated. I roar because my heart’s in turmoil. You know all my desires, O Lord, and my groaning has not been hidden from you. My heart is pounding. I have lost my strength. Even the light of my eyes has left me. My loved ones and my friends keep their distance and my relatives stand far away because of my sickness. Those who seek my life lay traps for me. Those who are out to harm me talk about ruining me. All day long they think of ways to deceive me. But I am like a person who cannot hear and like a person who cannot speak. I am like one who cannot hear and who can offer no arguments. But I wait with hope for you, O Lord. You will answer, O Lord, my God. I said, “Do not let them gloat over me. When my foot slips, do not let them promote themselves at my expense.” I am ready to fall. I am continually aware of my pain. I confess my guilt. My sin troubles me. My mortal enemies are growing stronger. Many hate me for no reason. They pay me back with evil instead of good, and they accuse me because I try to do what is good. Do not abandon me, O Lord. O my God, do not be so distant from me. Come quickly to help me, O Lord, my savior."

Psalm 38

My heart achingly identifies with the words of David. It is a terrifyingly beautiful thing to come face to face with your own sin. To truly see yourself as the sinner that you are. To break under the grief that overcomes you when you finally acknowledge your failings. Not trying to put yourself off as the "good girl" that you always wanted to believe that you were. But finally owning up to the mistakes that you've always wanted to forget. 

And yet what waits for me in this brokenness but hope. Sweet hope and grace. Forgiveness that follows the confession. Repentance that yearns to define this newly freed life. I am finally living in the freedom that comes from owning up to the true brokenness of life (John 8:32). 

I am overwhelmed in my failings and I am overwhelmed with hope. I stand in amazement that I am loved. That I am beloved. That despite my failings, His grace is waiting in the wings, saying "Come, My beloved, come."  

"It is because of the hasty and superficial conversation with God that the sense of sin is so weak and that no motives have power to help you to hate and flee from sin as you should."

A. W. Tozer

Goodbye Canada...Hello Charlotte

There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions as I type those words. 

I love Charlotte. It was my home for 22 years. It's where I grew up. It's where my family is. It's where my warm days are. It's where Spring and Fall are glorious and long. It's where there's central air conditioning anywhere you go. It's where Chickfila is (and sweet tea of course!). 

But I've grown to love Canada too. I have built and married into family here. It's where hot tea and coffee and cozy blankets await. It's where Compassion is. It's where the clouds amaze me. It's where our life, as a married couple, has grown. It's where we've created memories together. 

And oh the changes that have brought us to this decision to move to Charlotte! Where to begin...married life? Lyme? Canada? Charlotte? Work? Moving? Separation? 

I guess the beginning is always the best place to start, though it is so hard to decipher where the beginning truly lies. We haven't even been married for 3 years yet, and the journey's we have travelled together blow my mind. It has been a very difficult road that we have been on. Every marriage is unique, as there are two unique people in each marriage, that would make sense right? Well, ours has been a very difficult first few years. We've been through immigration, and therefore physical separation (and now we're going to do it again). We've been through relational walls, miscommunication, non existent communication, and technology run "relationship". We've laughed and we've cried, a lot. We've gotten it right and we've gotten it wrong, a lot. We've wondered what we've gotten ourselves into and we've rejoiced in where we are and who we're with. We've been ready to throw in the towel and we've been committed to each other and to our vows to one another and to the Lord. To think it hasn't even been 3 years yet doesn't even seem possible with all that has transpired. But through all the many ups and the many, many downs. The Lord has been so gracious. He has restored. He has blessed our relationship. He has brought us closer than I ever thought possible. He has changed our hearts as individuals and as a couple. He has brought us to our knees and held us close. He is truly an amazing God and He can truly rescue and redeem anything! How do you say thank you for such a gift? All I know is that I can't seem to stop smiling and rejoicing in my loving Savior and the husband that He has truly blessed me with. I am grateful and excited for our future together...oh our God is great!

And then there's Lyme, that has seen fit to take over my (and consequently our) life over the last few months. I haven't been really healthy since moving to Canada over 2 years ago, but the last year has brought things pretty low in the health department. It is so hard, as I sit here on the couch, barely able to type out this post because it requires so much precious energy. It is hard to want to invest in those here as I prepare to move back down to Charlotte. It is hard to have to leave my incredible job at Compassion and all those I have come to love so dearly there. It is hard to try and pack up a life in one country to move it to another all while hardly having the energy to walk up and down the stairs. But it is amazing the "bursts" of energy that come when I need them most. How gracious the Lord is to give my husband the dedication and servants' heart to come home from a long days work to wash the dishes and vacuum the stairs (as well as the rest of the house!). And how blessed I feel to not have enough time and energy to be able to spend with all of the incredible people that He has placed in my life over the past 2 years. It's truly an incredible gift to have so many people that have touched my life so deeply in such a short amount of time. 

So through it all, through marriage, through Lyme, through moving, through long distance friendships and marriage, God is good. He is gracious. He is kind. He is in control and nothing ever takes Him by surprise. 

For those who we will be "leaving behind" in Canada. We love you, and I will back to visit over the next few months as we enter into a long distance marriage once again. And to those who we're "coming back too" in Charlotte, we're excited to see you again and to build relationship with you as a couple :)

The Games We Play

"Nevertheless, the people refused to listen to the voice of Samuel, and they said, 'No, but there shall be a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight out battles.'"

1 Samuel 8:19-20 ~ The Israelites response to the Lord's warning about a king.

I was reading 1 Samuel this morning and this phrase caught my eye...that we also may be like all the nations...Why is being like everyone else so desirable? Why would we rather try and be like someone else than be who we really are and who Christ created us to be? Why do we choose to play the comparison game and let what we find steal our joy from who and where we are right now?

When are we ever to learn to live as Paul? As David?

"I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 

...and I love the last first in the Message as well...

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

Philippians 4:11-13

"Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it"

Psalm 37:4-5

When will contentment come before whining? When will joy come before self-pity? When will delighting in the Lord come before delighting in circumstances? When will these verses describe my heart? When will I allow pretenses to give way? When will I let go of my desire to please everyone to a fault? When will I care more about what the Lord thinks than of those around me? When will I give up the picture of the "perfect life" and desire His LIFE instead? 

Because really, there is no life outside of His LIFE; outside of Christ and the sacrifice that He made on the cross; outside of His resurrection which is our gift of life. There is no life outside the one offered and freely given by my Savior. May I cling to that life, His LIFE, that is forever rather than this earthly life that will not last.

May the worries and fears of circumstances fade away, may the comparing and complaining turn to joy and gratitude when I look upon and live out His Light and Life in my life. May I find such peace as I give up on perfect and instead cling to Jesus.   

Overflowing Blessings

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

When I look back at this week I am amazed to see such a contrast between the valley and the anointing. This week has felt long. I haven't worked at all and the days just seem to drag on and on when you're unable to get out of bed. And yet, this morning I have tears in my eyes as I look at all the blessings that have come from this week.

~ Matthew started his job at Wal-Mart ~ I had visits from Christine, Juanita & Shelley ~ Juanita and RoseMary stocked my fridge with amazing gluten free meals and snacks ~ we had a lovely evening of fellowship with Ted and Sharon last night ~ there are now lovely purple orchids on my dresser, another blessing from RoseMary ~

And there are more blessings to come as I look ahead...

~ Victoria, Joe, Daniel, Dustin and Luke are all coming over this evening ~ And I leave on Monday to go and stay with Amanda and Michael over the next couple of weeks to help in my recovery ~ 

And of course there have been more through phone calls, emails, blogs, books and #shereadstruth in 1 Peter this week. These blessings that often come from others that do not know the heart and physical struggles that are my everyday life, and each one breathes life and hope into this heart of mine.  

It is amazing as I look at the struggles that are overwhelmingly before Matthew and me. Satan is working hard for the desire to wallow in doubt to win out, and yet the Lord is victorious! We are in a spiritual battle with the Evil one who so desperately wants to distract and overwhelm so that all we can see is our insurmountable circumstances. But our God is bigger, He is greater, He is All-Powerful, He is Provider, He is the King of Kings, He is Comforter, and He is Abba. He is everything that we could ever need and more. Our focus has to move away from circumstances and onto our Heavenly Father.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love [Him], to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Real Life {It All Starts With Thanksgiving}

"...and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. And they all ate and were satisfied..."

Matthew 15:36-37

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will if profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus' rode wasn't easy. He didn't have a "cake walk" during his years spent here on earth, and so why should we expect our lives to be any different? Or when we experience hard times, why does that make us wonder if God is really there? Christ came to this earth to suffer and then commanded us to "pick up our own cross and follow Him". I would say those words should make us expect the hard times, the times when we don't understand why, and the struggles that come our way.

And yet what is our attitude during those difficult times when we find ourselves face to face with uncertainty? When the spiritual decisions we feel the Lord is calling us to war against the practical and earthly mindset of our every daily lives? When stepping out in faith isn't a little thing, but something that looks impossible/stupid/insurmountable when we look at what lays before us through our human eyes rather than looking into the unknown and the uncertainty through the eyes of faith. I would have to say that my attitude isn't always the best. In reality, it pretty much stinks!

I am definitely the one to look at everything in a practical sense. "Well if we do this than that will happen, so therefore we can't do that. But if we do this than that might happen and that could be good or bad but I can't guarantee anything so we probably shouldn't do that either..." And I could go on and on. This is the reality of my brain. I want to have a detailed plan that ensures that everything is going to work out fine. I want to be responsible. I want to look put together on the outside even if I'm a hot mess on the inside. 

The Lord has been challenging me A LOT recently through the many uncertainties that He has brought into my life over the last several months. And yet through this time He has also brought people into my life to speak words of encouragement and conviction that He is using to mold my heart and my mind to be open to His leading no matter what that looks like. He has used friends and family here in Ingersoll as well as back in Charlotte. He has used women I have never met but who I feel are walking with me through this journey by their willingness to sharing their words through a computer screen or through the books piled on my nightstand...

~ Ann Voskamp ~

"That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem."

 How to Live Through the Really Hard Storms

"And I’ve felt Him say to me in the deepest part of my heart, the part I sometimes let get too covered up, “You are so much harder on yourself than I am.”

I am. I’m hard on myself. I get caught up in the comparison game and feel like everyone is loving better, living more purposefully, doing more significant things and, essentially, blooming so much better than me.

I give other people the benefit of the doubt, but I never give myself that same grace. And that’s what God has been whispering over me.

Grace."

The Light of His Grace

Emily P Freeman ~ Grace for the Good Girl

Sarah Young ~ Jesus Calling

Each of these individuals have touched my heart deeply. God has used their words to bring me to a breaking point where I acknowledge that I want to be in control, I want to do what's right (and what other people think is right), I care about what other's think and it can sometimes rule my decision making. All these hidden heart attitudes, and more, that the Lord is bringing to light so that He can draw me closer to Himself. He is convicting me of my lack of faith in my God and in my husband, because I am not willing to let go so that they together, as the head of our house and our life can lead me. I'm just too scared as to what that might look like, but I am learning to let go, because letting go is all that I have left...

So, this might cause you to wonder what uncertainties would bring me through all this heart struggling? Well Matthew has been looking for a job since November of 2012 and until last week was unable to find anything. Thankfully last week he was able to get a part time job at Wal-Mart which we are both so grateful for! During the time that he was looking for a job my health also began to decline. I had to start pulling out of commitments that I had made (like being a youth leader and attending small group through our church) and my life began to consist of going to work, trying to sleep as much as possible, and hoping to make it to church every Sunday (which didn't always happen). But over the last several weeks my health has taken a drastic dip downward so that I am now having to take time off of work to  allow my body the time it needs to heal.

During this time of healing and recovery we will be living on the part-time hours that Matthew will be working at Wal-Mart . This of course put my overactive, everything has to make sense, we need a plan, brain into a major freak out session! I cried, asked God why, I ranted, I threw up my hands in an overwhelming "I don't know anything" motion. And He has answered. Not my questions mind you, He has answered by reminding me Who He is. He has been patient through my freak out session (ok, lets be honest, there's been more than one!) and has shown up in a mighty way. He hasn't changed our circumstances, and He hasn't made anything more clear in human terms. But He has bombarded me with the Truth about Who He is, what He is capable of, and what He has brought me through in the past and what He has brought others through. 

He is faithful. I know this to be true. He is now giving me the opportunity to live out what I say that I believe. And it is my choice to take Him up on it. It is my choice to say, "Ok, You are God and I am not. You love me more than I could possibly imagine. And You, not me, You are in control." Now the question is, will I trust Him, really truly trust Him with every single "I don't know" detail that we are faced with?

Yes. I will trust Him. Though I will fail, though I will let myself get overwhelmed when I look at the reality of what He is asking us to do, I come back with a broken and battered heart and lay it all at His feet once again. And I will trust Him.

Heart Work

God is a master at heart work. At molding, breaking, shaping, creating.

Even amidst the muck and grime that is found in this heart of mine. With the dark and dirty corners, the dust hidden under rug in an attempt at making this place, this heart more presentable. But really, this heart is a mess, it is a human mess that can only be made new through Christ.

He sees me, all my mistakes, all my joys, all my fears, all my hopes, all my human plans. He sees all of me and chooses to step in and mold me. He takes my heart in his hand, like a Potter with a piece of clay (Jeremiah 18), and He begins to work. 

He doesn't work based on my timing or my desires, but on His. He sees the struggles and joys of my life right now and in the future. The struggles and joys in the lives of those around me right now and in future. And He works them all together for His good. 

Often I am confused, worried, wondering why this or why now. Why couldn't this have come later, or why can't this come now, or why did this ever have to come at all. But He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. He is asking for my faith to be unwavering in Him. He is asking for my trust.

 

Sometimes I want to give Him my trust. And other times I want to hold on to what I think I need and want. I don't want to want His way. I want to give into stubbornness and be selfish. I am such a child. It amazes me that He meets me right there, in that moment of selfishness and calls me to Himself. He reminds me of journey's we've been through together. He reminds me of times when I thought that I knew best, but I was wrong. He helps me remember who He is and who I am.

 

I am so grateful for this relationship. This God Man who chose to die for me that I might have a personal relationship with Him. How much He must love me I cannot fathom. It is truly an amazingly wondrous gift that I am, and will be, forever grateful for.

God and Glory and Daily Life

Glory : very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent: renown;

adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving.

 

What does it mean to give glory to God...to bring glory to God...to let God get the glory for it all?

  

I don't know how to give God glory. I don't know how to take the focus off of myself and let it be all about Him. I don't know how to give Him the glory for my life, for my marriage, for the struggles and for the blessings.

 

I know that I am called to give Him the glory, but practically, daily, I have no idea what that looks like. I guess when you look at the definition, my favorite part is "worshipful thanksgiving". I think that is such a beautiful picture. 

 

I envision dancing and singing. Hands and hearts raised to Heaven. Quiet moments of pure amazement at His greatness. Absolute awe in Who Christ is and what He has done. Speechless wonder that He would choose to love me.

 

Can you see it? The giving glory, the humility, the selflessness, the vulnerability, the offering up of life. It scares me and excites me all at the same time.  

 

It reminds me of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." It reminds me of Ann Voskamp and choosing to give thanks through 1000 gifts. 

 

How do I live in His glory every day? How do I display His glory, His life? Do I complain or do say thanks? Do I grumble or do I praise Him in every circumstance? Honestly, I do more complaining and grumbling than offering up thanks and praise. That's the ugly, honest truth. 

 

Thank the Lord for grace! I think we'd all be lost without it. I daily grab a hold of His grace with both hands and pray that it keeps me from scraping up my knees too badly with my stumbling. What a Savior. To hold me and carry me through the stumbling and complaining and offer grace. That is love. 

 

Jesus thank You. 

For grace upon grace. 

For love. 

For Your sacrifice upon the cross that gives Life. 

For carrying me. 

For walking with me and never leaving me or forsaking me. 

For listening. 

For the simple blessings like hot chocolate and whipped cream. 

For the intricate blessings like marriage and friendship. 

For music that pierces the heart. 

For words the stop you in your tracks. 

For kindred spirits. 

For quiet moments to reflect and rejoice in Who You are.

Amen.

 

 

The Underlined Words

Genesis 1:1 - "In the beginning God [Elohim, All Powerful]." That's what it all comes down too...

Exodus 6 - "Go." You can't stay where you are and go with God.

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord." In whom does my heart delight?

Matthew 5:13 & 14 - "You are the salt of the earth...you are the light of the world." I am...there's no ifs, ands or buts about it. I am, we are, the salt and the light.

Ephesians 3:17-19 - "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know [have experience] the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." To know, to [have] experience[ed], the love of Christ, and then to live in light of that knowledge.

Colossians 3:15-17 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word [expression] of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teach and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name [the character] of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." Stop holding back. Let go and let God.

Sometimes it's the little words...let...go...know...you are...that can stop us in our tracks. Sometimes it's the words that we hear all the time...light...peace...thanks...love...that can take your breath away if you let them.

Sometimes all it takes is closing your eyes, and being still, for words that you've heard a thousand times to wash over you anew. Sometimes when we stop, and be still, is when God gets loud. And sometimes the quiet ebbs on and God never gets loud and it seems so eerily quiet. And sometimes that's ok.

"Sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child."

Sometimes we have to be ok for the world to be raging all around us and to find peace in the only place that it can truly be found, at the feet of Christ. Sometimes we are blessed with quiet moments and days when hours with Jesus are what fills our days. Either way...God is good. In the calm and in the storm, God is good.

Grace, thankfulness, joy...are here for the taking. Peace, patience, gentleness...are waiting to be chosen. Love, above all else love, is always overflowing if I will but partake.

He is waiting, waiting in the wings to be chosen, to be given back the life that He so freely gave for me. When I hold back, thinking I can live in my own strength, my fountain of life runs dry because He cannot fill what I have decided to try and fill myself. I must empty myself of all that I think I know, and let Him fill me with everything that He is. 

Father God, You are wonderful. You are gracious. You are loving. You are good. Thank You for your peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank You for never changing. Thank You for Your love that knows no boundaries. Thank You that in the calm and in the storm You are there. Amen [let it be].

Stumbling Over Keys

My fingers stumble, they stumble over these keys. Not knowing how to bring forth the thoughts that can't seem to make their way on paper...or onto this screen. They twist and turn inside my brain and I can't seem to form the thoughts that so desperately need to be poured out.

About love, about life. About faith, about failure. About grace, about hope. About God, about Satan.

"Put on the full armor of God...for our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

Ephesians 6:11 & 12

Satan strives so hard to rob us of the life that Christ calls us to live. Whatever angle he can find, he goes after it with a vengeance, just to pull us a little bit farther away from LIFE, from God, from Jehovah. 

And yet in that moment, when we feel the pull of the devil, all we have to do is cling to the One that has already won the battle of that moment, and every battle before and after that moment. Unfortunately that is easier said than done. Why? Because we choose to believe Satan's lies, just like Adam and Eve did in the garden, rather than cling to the life giving promises of our Almighty God.

I have always had a hard time with hope. I want to cling to it with all my heart and yet at the same time I want to run as far away as possible. Because I have always seen hope as relative. But I was challenged several weeks ago to see hope as what I know will happen because it has been promised. To hope that God is good, because He is. To hope that His plan is perfect, because it is. To hope in His love, because He is love. To hope in His molding of me, because He is the Potter and I am the clay. These are truths, promised by a God that never fails. I can hope in that.

I cannot begin to imagine my life without this hope. Without the love of my Savior. Without His forgiveness that I daily seek. Without His grace and mercy that are poured over my weary soul before I even know I am in need. Without His patience that I seem to push to it's limit (though there are none) at every opportunity. 

Father God, I am grateful and so very humbled by Your grace. By Your desire to pursue me. How You long to mold me into the woman You long for me to be. May my heart be open and willing to be challenged and moved by Your touch and direction. I am Yours. May You be seen in me. Let Your light, Your peace, Your life shine through me. Amen.

Real Life {When It's Easier to Believe the Lies}

Jacob, why do you complain? 

Israel, why do you say, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord,

and my rights are ignored by my God”?

Don’t you know? 

Haven’t you heard?

The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

doesn’t grow tired or become weary. 

His understanding is beyond reach. 

He gives strength to those who grow tired 

and increases the strength of those who are weak. 

Even young people grow tired and become weary, 

and young men will stumble and fall. 

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord 

will be renewed. 

They will soar on wings like eagles. 

They will run and won’t become weary.

They will walk and won’t grow tired.

 

Isaiah 40:27 - 31

 

I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the Truth that is found in these scriptures.

 

Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.

Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.

But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.

I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.

If You Want Me To

by Ginny Owens

 

I am Restless 'til I Rest in You, Oh God

Perfect Peace ~ Laura Story

Stay close by My side,
Keep your eyes on Me,
Though this life is hard,
I will give you perfect peace,

In this time of trial,
Pain that no one sees,
Trust me when I say,
I will give you perfect peace,

And you'll never walk alone,
And you'll never be in need,
Though I may not calm the storms around you,
You can hide in Me,

Burdens that you bear,
Offer no relief,
Let Me bear your load,
Cause I will give you perfect peace,

Stay close by My side,
And you'll never walk alone,
Keep your eyes on Me,
And you will never be in need,
Though this life is hard,
Know that I will always give you perfect peace,
I will give you perfect peace...

Life. It has its ups and downs. Its times of making sense and confusion. Its time of peace and turmoil. Life is a journey. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for a Savior who knows every step of my journey, those that have passed and are yet to come.

What a wonderful comfort to know that nothing ever takes our Lord by surprise. He is All-Knowing and His plan is always perfect. This brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. What a wonderful God!

Today is a day of music and song. Of reflection on Who Christ is no matter where life takes us. 

Restless ~ Audrey Assad

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless

'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You. 

My heart has been overwhelmed with life recently. I feel like I have been existing more than I have been living. I have been focusing on the outward life more than the inward life. Appearances more than heart. 

My heart is in need of Life. Of Living Water that fulfills and overflows. I am grateful for the opportunity to take time and pour out my starving heart to my Father. I am grateful for open arms that have been waiting while I've been floundering in living life in my own strength.

What love. What grace. What peace. What joy. What rest. What hope. What perfection is found in Christ. Everything that I can ever need or desire is fulfilled in Christ.

There is Nothing ~ Laura Story

Lord I come before You
To honor and adore You
For who You are and all that You have done
Lord I am not worthy
My heart is dark and dirty
Still somehow You bid for me to come
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
May our time be sweeter
May I be a keeper
Of the promises I make to You in song
Lord may I remember these moments of surrender
And live my life this way from this day on
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
So clothe me in humility
Remind me...that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord

May I press onward to know You Lord

Jesus thank You for bestowing Your grace upon me today. Thank for the opportunity to be filled with You; for time of rest and time of productivity. Thank You that You know me. Thank You for taking me as I am. Thank You for Your lovingkindness. Thank You that You love me too much to let me stay the way I am. Thank You for working in my heart and my life to mold me and make me into the woman that You desire me to be. I love You so much. You astound me. I am in awe of all that You are. May I not get distracted in life and loose sight of the wonder and awe of You. May I remember You in all things. You are Life. You are Jehovah. You are Savior. You are God. Thank You for blessing me today with such sweet time. Amen.

Depth...

...is beautiful, colorful, binding, rich, peaceful.

...is found in friendship, marriage, relationship.

...makes you stronger, wiser.

...increases your longing for someone. God, husband, friend, parent, sibling, child.

Father God, may I grow in the depth of my relationship with You. May I seek You above all else. May my desire for You continually grow deeper and deeper and may I never have enough of You. You are my everything. May I live in light of that Truth. Amen.

Real Life {The Struggle of Time}

What do you do when you don't feel that there is enough time? When the laundry is all separated in your room waiting to go from the floor to the washer. When the dirty dishes scattered around the house are waiting for soupy water and a sponge. When you have that ring around the tub that is begging to be sparkly clean again.

These days time feels stretched. I can either get two things done half way or one thing done well. Or struggle over which option to attempt and never actually get anything done at all.

Time is so precious. I want a clean house; but I want to have a relationship with my husband. I want to build relationships with friends; but I need to deepen my relationship with the Lord. I want to invest in so many amazing opportunities; but I need to have time to breathe and not over commit.

Time. You baffle me. We are always dancing. Leading and following one another and hoping we don't step on each others toes.

Tonight I did two things well. What a blessing. I had wonderful time with my Savior, and there is one load of laundry in the dryer and one load in the washer. It makes my heart sing :)

And yet it is hard to not focus on the loads that are still waiting. The dishes and tub that need cleaning. The floors that need sweeping and mopping. I have a choice to be grateful or to be resentful; to rejoice despite the mess, or to despair in spite of the mess.

I want to choose to be grateful and to rejoice for what has been done. I want to choose joy. I want to choose grace. I can bestow grace on others, why can't I bestow grace upon myself? Why is it ok if others do not get to their housework but if mine goes undone it is the end of the world?

Grace. May I never forget, to truly bestow grace on others I must first bestow it to myself. For I cannot love another as myself until I truly love myself. I must see myself through Christ's eyes. I am beloved. I am daughter. I am precious. I am princess. I am His.

When I choose to not forgive my shortcomings and bestow grace on my circumstances, I refuse the love that the Lord freely gives to me. I say no to Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I belittle His death and put myself above His grace.

Father, please forgive me for thinking too highly of myself. For thinking that I could ever be above Your grace. Thank you so much for Your sacrifice. May I bask in the wonder of your grace. May I simply say "thank You". Grant me a spirit of humility. May I reflect Philippians 2 and the attitude of Christ that He showed while He was on earth. May I daily accept Your grace. I long for You to increase and for me to decrease. Be glorified in me. Amen - let it be.

I Don't Want to Forget...

 I have a job. That statement still feels surreal and I'm not sure if it's true. But it is. Through God's grace, I have a job.

And that is what I don't want to forget. Him. His grace. His provision. I don't want to forget about the Lord now that I have what I asked for. I don't want to leave Him out of this new journey. I don't want to live life without Him, at least until I "need" Him again.

I don't want to forget my need for Him. I need Him all the time. Though after the dust settles and life calms down, it is easy to forget about the daily need for Him. It's easy to forget the battle that was just won, and Who won it.

Why? Why is it so easy to forget? Number one, Satan hates us relying on God and will step in as soon as possible to make us think that we don't need Him. Number two, life is busy. And it is easy to let the business take us, not stopping to take time to spend with our Father. I'm sure there are more, but those are the two that I feel are pulling me away at the moment.

In one of my interviews with Compassion, I told them that wherever the Lord provided a job, I wanted my office space to be filled with quotes and scripture that would encourage and challenge me. Sometimes my perfectionist spirit gets in the way and makes me feel like I cannot try something because what if it's not right? What if I fail?

If I fail, God's grace is sufficient. 

I know that it can be hard for me to keep my eyes on Christ and to have a good attitude when I feel unprepared and ill-qualified. But that is when I need to turn to Him the most. To cling to the promise that He is in control, that nothing will take Him by surprise, and that I am His child. No matter what happens, I am His child.

So in light of these revelations, I have been looking up quotes and scriptures that I would like to surround myself in my new office space. Here are a few examples:

       

      

      

Father,

May You be glorified through my life. May I remember Your grace and mercy; Your provision; Your peace and wisdom. May I remember You, spend time with You, and seek You even when life appears "easy". For You are God and I am not, whether life is easy or hard at the moment, You are still God. Don't let me forget You. And if I do, remind me Father, in Your love and mercy remind me of Who You are and what You have done. May I set up memorial stones (Joshua 4), like the Israelites after they crossed the Jordan, to remember the battle that was won. Thank You...Amen.

Real Life {The Job Search Is...OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

Praise the Lord! I just received a call and I will officially be employed at Compassion Canada on September 10, 2012.

God is SO good!

I wasn't supposed to receive a call until tomorrow, which meant that I was going to have to come home from being gone all day to listen to a voice mail letting me know if I was employed or not. But the Lord was so gracious and He gave me the opportunity to chat with my new employer for about 20 minutes on the phone about my new position in the Contact Center.

There will be lots of training and hopefully lots of quick learning on my part. But I am so grateful to be employed after being in Canada for a year. What a wonderful anniversary present!

I have no words to express my gratitude right now or the joy that is just gushing from my heart. 

Father I thank You for this wonderful opportunity. May I glorify You through this new journey. 

I ask for quiet confidence in who I am in You, and that I will learn quickly. I give over to You 

any stress that I may encounter. I ask Your blessing upon the friendships that I will establish

 there, may they honor and glorify You. May my attitude be pleasing to You, 

may this heart that You are shaping be a light for You. Amen.

Real Life {And the Journey I'm In}

Does your Bible look like this? There are some passages where I don't have any more room to write:)

Over the last few months I have been reading the Word along side other women over at #SheReadsTruth. I have been challenged and I have learned so much with this group of women. It has been a great encouragement to me ever since I found it just a few short months ago.

So I thought I would give you some snapshots of what my time with #SheReadsTruth looks like.

There's lots of praying, seeking the Lord, meditating, and putting my own words down on paper as I struggle through different passages of scripture.

Today has been hard because I have been struggling under the stress of still not knowing if I have a job or not. I had a second interview last Monday and I was told that I would be called by this Friday, that's a long time for this heart to wait.

Today I was stressed. I felt incompetent to complete the tasks I needed too in order to get this company all the information they needed to complete a background check. I felt totally out of my comfort zone and stretched to the limit.

And yet, I am right where God wants me. He knows right where I am, and He is right here with me. He is my Mediator, and what a comfort that is! I have prayed over and over that whatever happens with this employment opportunity, that He would be glorified. That He would become more and that I would become less.

I believe that happened today.

So whatever happens, I pray with all my heart that He would be glorified. That He would be praised in my life and in my future employers whoever they may be. 

Today, as I sank deeper and deeper into the stress. I came here...

...to Bible Gateway where I looked up Proverbs 14 & 15 in several different versions as I read alongside other #SheReadsTruth ladies.

To my journal where I wrote down verses that spoke to me and convicted me.

I came to Jesus. The Author and Perfecter of my faith.

He is the only Place that I will ever find rest. He is the only One that will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Comforter, my Prince of Peace, my Saving Grace, my All in All, my Righteousness.

He is my Everything.

Father, today I pray that we see You in our daily lives today. That we would seek You and give You all the praise and honor You are due. That we would magnify Your name rather than our own. May You be praised today and every day. Amen.

Real Life {Nerves...and then comes...The Hoping & Waiting}

Today I went in for a second interview at a wonderful company (I'm not going to tell you where, that will stay a surprise and I'll let you know where if I get the job). It was absolutely wonderful and totally unnerving!

I was so nervous leading up to this interview. My first one I wasn't nervous at all and this one, wow, it was crazy, my legs were actually shaking as I was putting on my makeup this morning. I don't know what had me so riled up, but whatever it was, I was not going to have it.

I didn't want to be nervous. I wanted to be excited, hopeful, but not nervous. When I'm nervous my personality disappears and I become a bumbling idiot...not exactly a promising attribute! I didn't want to be nervous because being nervous puts the focus and pressure on me rather than focusing on Christ and His promises.

When I was going in for my first interview, my dad sent me a text and told me that he was holding onto the promise that the Lord loves to give his children good gifts. That was an amazing text to receive and I have begun to cling to that promise as well.

That doesn't mean that if I don't get this job that God doesn't give good gifts, it just means there is another opportunity out there that He is just waiting to give me. It really encourages me and keeps my focus on trusting and believing in Christ and His provision rather than in myself and my personal abilities.

So today I am clinging to hope. I am clinging to a God who loves me more than I could possibly imagine. I am crying out in thanksgiving for the opportunity to shine His light. I am choosing to not worry and to not be anxious. I am choosing the Lord who is my life. I am choosing love, which is both an action and a Person. I am choosing to trust and believe that His ways are higher than my ways, that He has everything in the palm of His hand, and that He is in control.

I am choosing to let God be God. To give over my worrisome 

burdens and rest in His mercy and grace.

I will find out next Friday (August 24) if I have a job or not. So right now I am stuck with quite a bit of waiting. But I will continue to cling to my Savior who will never leave me nor forsake me. Who walks with me through this journey we call life. May He be glorified in the waiting.

What Do I Have to Give?

Lately, Satan has been feeding the lie that I have nothing to give. Not that I am the best thing ever or anything, but through Christ, each one of us has a story and therefore has something to give and share with the rest of us.

Each of us share differently. Some in obvious ways, some not. 

But we can never forget that we each have a story and our story is not for us alone but it is to shared.

I have forgotten over the last few weeks. I have forgotten that I have a story. That my story is God's story. And that He has given me a place designed specifically to share His story, and that place is right here. 

Sometimes I feel like nothing is going on, that life is in a way boring at that particular moment so what could I possibly have to share? But it's not about me, and what I have to share. It's about Christ and what He has to share.

Writing here is about putting away my selfishness and opening up to the Spirit's leading. It's about sharing the ups and downs, the boring and the exciting, the struggle in finding a job, the excitement for an important interview, the time spent on vacation with my parents, the marriage that I am constantly growing and learning in. 

This is my safe place. Which is strange to me because many who read these words I have not even met before, but I have a peace here. I have an open spirit here that is often closed to the "outside world". After all the quote, "I write better than I talk" describes me perfectly.

And in light of that fact, God gave this blog. A place to grow in grace and love. To be open and honest in the midst of my struggles and failures. To share His story that is my life. 

Because, it is all about Him. Everything. Every moment, every joy, every hurt, every mistake, every selfless act, every selfish act.

EVERY CHOICE IS ALL ABOUT HIM.

As I choose to begin sharing once more, I pray that I will remember in the so-called "boring times" of life to share His story in the midst of it. I pray that I won't give into the lie that I have nothing to share because it's not about me it is about Christ, and He always has something to share.

Last night as these truths began to resonate in my heart, the Lord opened my eyes to all that I had been learning and neglecting to share over the past few weeks. 

• We are going through an amazing study of the life of Gideon in church on Sunday's and it has been incredible! Every week it doesn't seem like I can write quick enough to capture it all.
• We have just started a young adults program at church and we are going through The Truth Project. I have never been through this study before and am really enjoying the spirituality and academics that are interwoven throughout each week.
• I am still searching for a job, but I have a very exciting interview Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 10am. I would covet your prayers as I continue to seek Christ in the midst of the search and I long to be where He wants me to be, no matter where that might be.

I'm sure there is more that has happened that needs to be shared, but these are the things that are heavy on my heart at the moment. Praying that the Lord will be glorified today, through these words and through our lives as we seek Him. Have a blessed day and may His grace and peace be with you.

#SheReadsTruth

I don't know if you have a smart phone. But over the past 10 months or so I have made the transition from the free-with-a-contract phones (aka "boring" to some) to the world of touch screens and "smart" phones. There are things I like from both, I seriously hate typing on touch screens, they drive me crazy! I always seem to hit the wrong letters, and don't even get me started on the auto-correct business (I've turned it off on my phone). I miss the big number/letter keys on my old phone that I could text a-mile-a-minute on...but I really do love the apps on the smart phones. There is a Bible app called YouVersion and on that app a community has formed through a devotional called Living the Surrendered Life and the community has spread to instagram and twitter with the trend #SheReadsTruth.

This is a place where women are coming together to read scripture and share what they are learning through it. What an incredible online community a few women have created through the Lord's leading and I am so excited to begin investing in this community!

I don't know where you are in your faith walk. I don't know if you're reading your Bible regularly, if you're struggling with daily setting aside time for the Lord or if you get lost in the Word every time you open it because you just can't get enough. We all have our ups and downs, we have times when we're struggling and when we are overflowing with love and desire for our King.

Wherever you are today I hope you find hope and encouragement. I pray the Lord touches your heart and blesses you in a special way. I hope that you make the time to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).