Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Letting Go of the Good Girl {SheSharesTruth}

"O Lord, do not angrily punish me or discipline me in your wrath. Your hand has struck me hard. No healthy spot is left on my body because of your rage. There is no peace in my bones because of my sin. My guilt has overwhelmed me. Like a heavy load, it is more than I can bear. My wounds smell rotten. They fester because of my stupidity. I am bent over and bowed down very low. All day I walk around in mourning. My insides are filled with burning pain, and no healthy spot is left on my body. I am numb and completely devastated. I roar because my heart’s in turmoil. You know all my desires, O Lord, and my groaning has not been hidden from you. My heart is pounding. I have lost my strength. Even the light of my eyes has left me. My loved ones and my friends keep their distance and my relatives stand far away because of my sickness. Those who seek my life lay traps for me. Those who are out to harm me talk about ruining me. All day long they think of ways to deceive me. But I am like a person who cannot hear and like a person who cannot speak. I am like one who cannot hear and who can offer no arguments. But I wait with hope for you, O Lord. You will answer, O Lord, my God. I said, “Do not let them gloat over me. When my foot slips, do not let them promote themselves at my expense.” I am ready to fall. I am continually aware of my pain. I confess my guilt. My sin troubles me. My mortal enemies are growing stronger. Many hate me for no reason. They pay me back with evil instead of good, and they accuse me because I try to do what is good. Do not abandon me, O Lord. O my God, do not be so distant from me. Come quickly to help me, O Lord, my savior."
Psalm 38

My heart achingly identifies with the words of David. It is a terrifyingly beautiful thing to come face to face with your own sin. To truly see yourself as the sinner that you are. To break under the grief that overcomes you when you finally acknowledge your failings. Not trying to put yourself off as the "good girl" that you always wanted to believe that you were. But finally owning up to the mistakes that you've always wanted to forget. 

And yet what waits for me in this brokenness but hope. Sweet hope and grace. Forgiveness that follows the confession. Repentance that yearns to define this newly freed life. I am finally living in the freedom that comes from owning up to the true brokenness of life (John 8:32). 

I am overwhelmed in my failings and I am overwhelmed with hope. I stand in amazement that I am loved. That I am beloved. That despite my failings, His grace is waiting in the wings, saying "Come, My beloved, come."  

"It is because of the hasty and superficial conversation with God that the sense of sin is so weak and that no motives have power to help you to hate and flee from sin as you should."
A. W. Tozer

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Psalm 130 {SheSharesTruth}

"Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins."

These words...they are conflicting. They break my heart and they heal my heart. There is depth and truth, there is pain and sadness, there is hope and forgiveness, there is waiting and there is moving. Waiting on the Lord yet moving towards Him in the waiting. Waiting is not stagnant, or does not have to be. As we wait on the Lord, might we move towards Him in faith and in trust, serving Him in reverence. Clinging to His promise that we are His beloved, that we are loved, that we are valued and treasured, that we are His. When we find ourselves in "the depths" and as we cry out to our Lord, our Savior, our Abba. May we wait for Him with great expectation, "more than watchmen wait for the morning". May we rest in His truths. May we breathe Him in, allowing Him to be our Lord who is Life, Jehovah.