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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What Would My Response Be?

"You are to have a son" - the angel.
"May it be so" - Mary.

Do I live out my faith? Do I make a conscious, daily effort to live God's way and not my own?

Naturally at this time of year there is much talk of Mary and Joseph and their faith, but I don't think I've ever looked at it so deeply before. What it must have been like for both of them I cannot even imagine! For Mary it might have been dealing with the thoughts of others, how they thought the worst of her, but for Joseph, what must they have thought? Probably that he was the father, and maybe they were both trying to make up for their mistakes by continuing on with the marriage even though according to everyone else they were no longer pure before the Lord. And yet they were, both of them, and they both chose God over the thoughts of others, over the looks of disapproval and possibly loss of friends and maybe even family who didn't understand. What a faith. What trust in the Almighty One, in our Provider. Though the Lord does promise provision, I find it is often difficult to trust, or to see it when it is right in front of me, because often His provision is different than what I would have thought it should be. And yet every time it is always enough, it is always exactly what I needed, I just have to open my eyes and be willing to see it. I am a planner, so I have all these pictures in my mind about how I think life should turn out, often times those "plans" are the very things that keep me from seeing what God has given me because it does not look like what I had "planned". What He must think of me as He watches me struggle through my plans blind to the ones that He has laid down right before me...

The Lord is so patient with me, and I am so grateful for that patience. During this Christmas season He has challenged me with what my response might have been if I had been in Mary's shoes, or if tomorrow He asked something "outrageous" of me. What would my response be? Though an angel has never come to me and told me that I am to have a son out of wedlock, I have had my challenges, and I have acted in faith. Maybe not every time, well lets be honest, of course not every time, I am not perfect. But I have trusted that the Lord knows better, that He is greater, and that He has a plan. I struggle through my trusting, I take back certain things that I have given over to Him, but I do always come back. I always end up at His feet, kneeling and wondering why I take things back when it never does any good. Why do I feel the need to be in control? Why do I have the desire to know exactly how every decision is going to turn out? Why? Because I am weak, and yet in my weakness He is strong. I am in awe of His love, His mercies that are new every morning, His patience which I constantly seem to try. What a Savior, what a God. I am one who trusts and yet fails in my trusting. I am one who hopes and yet worries in my hoping. I am one who loves but one who often fears in my loving. I am sinner. I stumble and I fall. I make wrong decisions. I worry. And yet here I am, a child of God, sitting at His feet crying Abba, crying Father.

Here's a song by Shane and Shane, it's called Without You, I hope it touches your heart.