"O Lord, do not angrily punish me or discipline me in your wrath. Your hand has struck me hard. No healthy spot is left on my body because of your rage. There is no peace in my bones because of my sin. My guilt has overwhelmed me. Like a heavy load, it is more than I can bear. My wounds smell rotten. They fester because of my stupidity. I am bent over and bowed down very low. All day I walk around in mourning. My insides are filled with burning pain, and no healthy spot is left on my body. I am numb and completely devastated. I roar because my heart’s in turmoil. You know all my desires, O Lord, and my groaning has not been hidden from you. My heart is pounding. I have lost my strength. Even the light of my eyes has left me. My loved ones and my friends keep their distance and my relatives stand far away because of my sickness. Those who seek my life lay traps for me. Those who are out to harm me talk about ruining me. All day long they think of ways to deceive me. But I am like a person who cannot hear and like a person who cannot speak. I am like one who cannot hear and who can offer no arguments. But I wait with hope for you, O Lord. You will answer, O Lord, my God. I said, “Do not let them gloat over me. When my foot slips, do not let them promote themselves at my expense.” I am ready to fall. I am continually aware of my pain. I confess my guilt. My sin troubles me. My mortal enemies are growing stronger. Many hate me for no reason. They pay me back with evil instead of good, and they accuse me because I try to do what is good. Do not abandon me, O Lord. O my God, do not be so distant from me. Come quickly to help me, O Lord, my savior."
My heart achingly identifies with the words of David. It is a terrifyingly beautiful thing to come face to face with your own sin. To truly see yourself as the sinner that you are. To break under the grief that overcomes you when you finally acknowledge your failings. Not trying to put yourself off as the "good girl" that you always wanted to believe that you were. But finally owning up to the mistakes that you've always wanted to forget.
And yet what waits for me in this brokenness but hope. Sweet hope and grace. Forgiveness that follows the confession. Repentance that yearns to define this newly freed life. I am finally living in the freedom that comes from owning up to the true brokenness of life (John 8:32).
I am overwhelmed in my failings and I am overwhelmed with hope. I stand in amazement that I am loved. That I am beloved. That despite my failings, His grace is waiting in the wings, saying "Come, My beloved, come."
"It is because of the hasty and superficial conversation with God that the sense of sin is so weak and that no motives have power to help you to hate and flee from sin as you should."
A. W. Tozer