Goodbye Canada...Hello Charlotte

There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions as I type those words. 

I love Charlotte. It was my home for 22 years. It's where I grew up. It's where my family is. It's where my warm days are. It's where Spring and Fall are glorious and long. It's where there's central air conditioning anywhere you go. It's where Chickfila is (and sweet tea of course!). 

But I've grown to love Canada too. I have built and married into family here. It's where hot tea and coffee and cozy blankets await. It's where Compassion is. It's where the clouds amaze me. It's where our life, as a married couple, has grown. It's where we've created memories together. 

And oh the changes that have brought us to this decision to move to Charlotte! Where to begin...married life? Lyme? Canada? Charlotte? Work? Moving? Separation? 

I guess the beginning is always the best place to start, though it is so hard to decipher where the beginning truly lies. We haven't even been married for 3 years yet, and the journey's we have travelled together blow my mind. It has been a very difficult road that we have been on. Every marriage is unique, as there are two unique people in each marriage, that would make sense right? Well, ours has been a very difficult first few years. We've been through immigration, and therefore physical separation (and now we're going to do it again). We've been through relational walls, miscommunication, non existent communication, and technology run "relationship". We've laughed and we've cried, a lot. We've gotten it right and we've gotten it wrong, a lot. We've wondered what we've gotten ourselves into and we've rejoiced in where we are and who we're with. We've been ready to throw in the towel and we've been committed to each other and to our vows to one another and to the Lord. To think it hasn't even been 3 years yet doesn't even seem possible with all that has transpired. But through all the many ups and the many, many downs. The Lord has been so gracious. He has restored. He has blessed our relationship. He has brought us closer than I ever thought possible. He has changed our hearts as individuals and as a couple. He has brought us to our knees and held us close. He is truly an amazing God and He can truly rescue and redeem anything! How do you say thank you for such a gift? All I know is that I can't seem to stop smiling and rejoicing in my loving Savior and the husband that He has truly blessed me with. I am grateful and excited for our future together...oh our God is great!

And then there's Lyme, that has seen fit to take over my (and consequently our) life over the last few months. I haven't been really healthy since moving to Canada over 2 years ago, but the last year has brought things pretty low in the health department. It is so hard, as I sit here on the couch, barely able to type out this post because it requires so much precious energy. It is hard to want to invest in those here as I prepare to move back down to Charlotte. It is hard to have to leave my incredible job at Compassion and all those I have come to love so dearly there. It is hard to try and pack up a life in one country to move it to another all while hardly having the energy to walk up and down the stairs. But it is amazing the "bursts" of energy that come when I need them most. How gracious the Lord is to give my husband the dedication and servants' heart to come home from a long days work to wash the dishes and vacuum the stairs (as well as the rest of the house!). And how blessed I feel to not have enough time and energy to be able to spend with all of the incredible people that He has placed in my life over the past 2 years. It's truly an incredible gift to have so many people that have touched my life so deeply in such a short amount of time. 

So through it all, through marriage, through Lyme, through moving, through long distance friendships and marriage, God is good. He is gracious. He is kind. He is in control and nothing ever takes Him by surprise. 

For those who we will be "leaving behind" in Canada. We love you, and I will back to visit over the next few months as we enter into a long distance marriage once again. And to those who we're "coming back too" in Charlotte, we're excited to see you again and to build relationship with you as a couple :)

The Games We Play

"Nevertheless, the people refused to listen to the voice of Samuel, and they said, 'No, but there shall be a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight out battles.'"

1 Samuel 8:19-20 ~ The Israelites response to the Lord's warning about a king.

I was reading 1 Samuel this morning and this phrase caught my eye...that we also may be like all the nations...Why is being like everyone else so desirable? Why would we rather try and be like someone else than be who we really are and who Christ created us to be? Why do we choose to play the comparison game and let what we find steal our joy from who and where we are right now?

When are we ever to learn to live as Paul? As David?

"I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 

...and I love the last first in the Message as well...

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

Philippians 4:11-13

"Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it"

Psalm 37:4-5

When will contentment come before whining? When will joy come before self-pity? When will delighting in the Lord come before delighting in circumstances? When will these verses describe my heart? When will I allow pretenses to give way? When will I let go of my desire to please everyone to a fault? When will I care more about what the Lord thinks than of those around me? When will I give up the picture of the "perfect life" and desire His LIFE instead? 

Because really, there is no life outside of His LIFE; outside of Christ and the sacrifice that He made on the cross; outside of His resurrection which is our gift of life. There is no life outside the one offered and freely given by my Savior. May I cling to that life, His LIFE, that is forever rather than this earthly life that will not last.

May the worries and fears of circumstances fade away, may the comparing and complaining turn to joy and gratitude when I look upon and live out His Light and Life in my life. May I find such peace as I give up on perfect and instead cling to Jesus.   

Overflowing Blessings

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

When I look back at this week I am amazed to see such a contrast between the valley and the anointing. This week has felt long. I haven't worked at all and the days just seem to drag on and on when you're unable to get out of bed. And yet, this morning I have tears in my eyes as I look at all the blessings that have come from this week.

~ Matthew started his job at Wal-Mart ~ I had visits from Christine, Juanita & Shelley ~ Juanita and RoseMary stocked my fridge with amazing gluten free meals and snacks ~ we had a lovely evening of fellowship with Ted and Sharon last night ~ there are now lovely purple orchids on my dresser, another blessing from RoseMary ~

And there are more blessings to come as I look ahead...

~ Victoria, Joe, Daniel, Dustin and Luke are all coming over this evening ~ And I leave on Monday to go and stay with Amanda and Michael over the next couple of weeks to help in my recovery ~ 

And of course there have been more through phone calls, emails, blogs, books and #shereadstruth in 1 Peter this week. These blessings that often come from others that do not know the heart and physical struggles that are my everyday life, and each one breathes life and hope into this heart of mine.  

It is amazing as I look at the struggles that are overwhelmingly before Matthew and me. Satan is working hard for the desire to wallow in doubt to win out, and yet the Lord is victorious! We are in a spiritual battle with the Evil one who so desperately wants to distract and overwhelm so that all we can see is our insurmountable circumstances. But our God is bigger, He is greater, He is All-Powerful, He is Provider, He is the King of Kings, He is Comforter, and He is Abba. He is everything that we could ever need and more. Our focus has to move away from circumstances and onto our Heavenly Father.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love [Him], to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Real Life {It All Starts With Thanksgiving}

"...and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. And they all ate and were satisfied..."

Matthew 15:36-37

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will if profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus' rode wasn't easy. He didn't have a "cake walk" during his years spent here on earth, and so why should we expect our lives to be any different? Or when we experience hard times, why does that make us wonder if God is really there? Christ came to this earth to suffer and then commanded us to "pick up our own cross and follow Him". I would say those words should make us expect the hard times, the times when we don't understand why, and the struggles that come our way.

And yet what is our attitude during those difficult times when we find ourselves face to face with uncertainty? When the spiritual decisions we feel the Lord is calling us to war against the practical and earthly mindset of our every daily lives? When stepping out in faith isn't a little thing, but something that looks impossible/stupid/insurmountable when we look at what lays before us through our human eyes rather than looking into the unknown and the uncertainty through the eyes of faith. I would have to say that my attitude isn't always the best. In reality, it pretty much stinks!

I am definitely the one to look at everything in a practical sense. "Well if we do this than that will happen, so therefore we can't do that. But if we do this than that might happen and that could be good or bad but I can't guarantee anything so we probably shouldn't do that either..." And I could go on and on. This is the reality of my brain. I want to have a detailed plan that ensures that everything is going to work out fine. I want to be responsible. I want to look put together on the outside even if I'm a hot mess on the inside. 

The Lord has been challenging me A LOT recently through the many uncertainties that He has brought into my life over the last several months. And yet through this time He has also brought people into my life to speak words of encouragement and conviction that He is using to mold my heart and my mind to be open to His leading no matter what that looks like. He has used friends and family here in Ingersoll as well as back in Charlotte. He has used women I have never met but who I feel are walking with me through this journey by their willingness to sharing their words through a computer screen or through the books piled on my nightstand...

~ Ann Voskamp ~

"That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem."

 How to Live Through the Really Hard Storms

"And I’ve felt Him say to me in the deepest part of my heart, the part I sometimes let get too covered up, “You are so much harder on yourself than I am.”

I am. I’m hard on myself. I get caught up in the comparison game and feel like everyone is loving better, living more purposefully, doing more significant things and, essentially, blooming so much better than me.

I give other people the benefit of the doubt, but I never give myself that same grace. And that’s what God has been whispering over me.

Grace."

The Light of His Grace

Emily P Freeman ~ Grace for the Good Girl

Sarah Young ~ Jesus Calling

Each of these individuals have touched my heart deeply. God has used their words to bring me to a breaking point where I acknowledge that I want to be in control, I want to do what's right (and what other people think is right), I care about what other's think and it can sometimes rule my decision making. All these hidden heart attitudes, and more, that the Lord is bringing to light so that He can draw me closer to Himself. He is convicting me of my lack of faith in my God and in my husband, because I am not willing to let go so that they together, as the head of our house and our life can lead me. I'm just too scared as to what that might look like, but I am learning to let go, because letting go is all that I have left...

So, this might cause you to wonder what uncertainties would bring me through all this heart struggling? Well Matthew has been looking for a job since November of 2012 and until last week was unable to find anything. Thankfully last week he was able to get a part time job at Wal-Mart which we are both so grateful for! During the time that he was looking for a job my health also began to decline. I had to start pulling out of commitments that I had made (like being a youth leader and attending small group through our church) and my life began to consist of going to work, trying to sleep as much as possible, and hoping to make it to church every Sunday (which didn't always happen). But over the last several weeks my health has taken a drastic dip downward so that I am now having to take time off of work to  allow my body the time it needs to heal.

During this time of healing and recovery we will be living on the part-time hours that Matthew will be working at Wal-Mart . This of course put my overactive, everything has to make sense, we need a plan, brain into a major freak out session! I cried, asked God why, I ranted, I threw up my hands in an overwhelming "I don't know anything" motion. And He has answered. Not my questions mind you, He has answered by reminding me Who He is. He has been patient through my freak out session (ok, lets be honest, there's been more than one!) and has shown up in a mighty way. He hasn't changed our circumstances, and He hasn't made anything more clear in human terms. But He has bombarded me with the Truth about Who He is, what He is capable of, and what He has brought me through in the past and what He has brought others through. 

He is faithful. I know this to be true. He is now giving me the opportunity to live out what I say that I believe. And it is my choice to take Him up on it. It is my choice to say, "Ok, You are God and I am not. You love me more than I could possibly imagine. And You, not me, You are in control." Now the question is, will I trust Him, really truly trust Him with every single "I don't know" detail that we are faced with?

Yes. I will trust Him. Though I will fail, though I will let myself get overwhelmed when I look at the reality of what He is asking us to do, I come back with a broken and battered heart and lay it all at His feet once again. And I will trust Him.

Heart Work

God is a master at heart work. At molding, breaking, shaping, creating.

Even amidst the muck and grime that is found in this heart of mine. With the dark and dirty corners, the dust hidden under rug in an attempt at making this place, this heart more presentable. But really, this heart is a mess, it is a human mess that can only be made new through Christ.

He sees me, all my mistakes, all my joys, all my fears, all my hopes, all my human plans. He sees all of me and chooses to step in and mold me. He takes my heart in his hand, like a Potter with a piece of clay (Jeremiah 18), and He begins to work. 

He doesn't work based on my timing or my desires, but on His. He sees the struggles and joys of my life right now and in the future. The struggles and joys in the lives of those around me right now and in future. And He works them all together for His good. 

Often I am confused, worried, wondering why this or why now. Why couldn't this have come later, or why can't this come now, or why did this ever have to come at all. But He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. He is asking for my faith to be unwavering in Him. He is asking for my trust.

 

Sometimes I want to give Him my trust. And other times I want to hold on to what I think I need and want. I don't want to want His way. I want to give into stubbornness and be selfish. I am such a child. It amazes me that He meets me right there, in that moment of selfishness and calls me to Himself. He reminds me of journey's we've been through together. He reminds me of times when I thought that I knew best, but I was wrong. He helps me remember who He is and who I am.

 

I am so grateful for this relationship. This God Man who chose to die for me that I might have a personal relationship with Him. How much He must love me I cannot fathom. It is truly an amazingly wondrous gift that I am, and will be, forever grateful for.

God and Glory and Daily Life

Glory : very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent: renown;

adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving.

 

What does it mean to give glory to God...to bring glory to God...to let God get the glory for it all?

  

I don't know how to give God glory. I don't know how to take the focus off of myself and let it be all about Him. I don't know how to give Him the glory for my life, for my marriage, for the struggles and for the blessings.

 

I know that I am called to give Him the glory, but practically, daily, I have no idea what that looks like. I guess when you look at the definition, my favorite part is "worshipful thanksgiving". I think that is such a beautiful picture. 

 

I envision dancing and singing. Hands and hearts raised to Heaven. Quiet moments of pure amazement at His greatness. Absolute awe in Who Christ is and what He has done. Speechless wonder that He would choose to love me.

 

Can you see it? The giving glory, the humility, the selflessness, the vulnerability, the offering up of life. It scares me and excites me all at the same time.  

 

It reminds me of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." It reminds me of Ann Voskamp and choosing to give thanks through 1000 gifts. 

 

How do I live in His glory every day? How do I display His glory, His life? Do I complain or do say thanks? Do I grumble or do I praise Him in every circumstance? Honestly, I do more complaining and grumbling than offering up thanks and praise. That's the ugly, honest truth. 

 

Thank the Lord for grace! I think we'd all be lost without it. I daily grab a hold of His grace with both hands and pray that it keeps me from scraping up my knees too badly with my stumbling. What a Savior. To hold me and carry me through the stumbling and complaining and offer grace. That is love. 

 

Jesus thank You. 

For grace upon grace. 

For love. 

For Your sacrifice upon the cross that gives Life. 

For carrying me. 

For walking with me and never leaving me or forsaking me. 

For listening. 

For the simple blessings like hot chocolate and whipped cream. 

For the intricate blessings like marriage and friendship. 

For music that pierces the heart. 

For words the stop you in your tracks. 

For kindred spirits. 

For quiet moments to reflect and rejoice in Who You are.

Amen.

 

 

Stumbling Over Keys

My fingers stumble, they stumble over these keys. Not knowing how to bring forth the thoughts that can't seem to make their way on paper...or onto this screen. They twist and turn inside my brain and I can't seem to form the thoughts that so desperately need to be poured out.

About love, about life. About faith, about failure. About grace, about hope. About God, about Satan.

"Put on the full armor of God...for our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

Ephesians 6:11 & 12

Satan strives so hard to rob us of the life that Christ calls us to live. Whatever angle he can find, he goes after it with a vengeance, just to pull us a little bit farther away from LIFE, from God, from Jehovah. 

And yet in that moment, when we feel the pull of the devil, all we have to do is cling to the One that has already won the battle of that moment, and every battle before and after that moment. Unfortunately that is easier said than done. Why? Because we choose to believe Satan's lies, just like Adam and Eve did in the garden, rather than cling to the life giving promises of our Almighty God.

I have always had a hard time with hope. I want to cling to it with all my heart and yet at the same time I want to run as far away as possible. Because I have always seen hope as relative. But I was challenged several weeks ago to see hope as what I know will happen because it has been promised. To hope that God is good, because He is. To hope that His plan is perfect, because it is. To hope in His love, because He is love. To hope in His molding of me, because He is the Potter and I am the clay. These are truths, promised by a God that never fails. I can hope in that.

I cannot begin to imagine my life without this hope. Without the love of my Savior. Without His forgiveness that I daily seek. Without His grace and mercy that are poured over my weary soul before I even know I am in need. Without His patience that I seem to push to it's limit (though there are none) at every opportunity. 

Father God, I am grateful and so very humbled by Your grace. By Your desire to pursue me. How You long to mold me into the woman You long for me to be. May my heart be open and willing to be challenged and moved by Your touch and direction. I am Yours. May You be seen in me. Let Your light, Your peace, Your life shine through me. Amen.

Real Life {When It's Easier to Believe the Lies}

Jacob, why do you complain? 

Israel, why do you say, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord,

and my rights are ignored by my God”?

Don’t you know? 

Haven’t you heard?

The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

doesn’t grow tired or become weary. 

His understanding is beyond reach. 

He gives strength to those who grow tired 

and increases the strength of those who are weak. 

Even young people grow tired and become weary, 

and young men will stumble and fall. 

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord 

will be renewed. 

They will soar on wings like eagles. 

They will run and won’t become weary.

They will walk and won’t grow tired.

 

Isaiah 40:27 - 31

 

I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the Truth that is found in these scriptures.

 

Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.

Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.

But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.

I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.

If You Want Me To

by Ginny Owens

 

I am Restless 'til I Rest in You, Oh God

Perfect Peace ~ Laura Story

Stay close by My side,
Keep your eyes on Me,
Though this life is hard,
I will give you perfect peace,

In this time of trial,
Pain that no one sees,
Trust me when I say,
I will give you perfect peace,

And you'll never walk alone,
And you'll never be in need,
Though I may not calm the storms around you,
You can hide in Me,

Burdens that you bear,
Offer no relief,
Let Me bear your load,
Cause I will give you perfect peace,

Stay close by My side,
And you'll never walk alone,
Keep your eyes on Me,
And you will never be in need,
Though this life is hard,
Know that I will always give you perfect peace,
I will give you perfect peace...

Life. It has its ups and downs. Its times of making sense and confusion. Its time of peace and turmoil. Life is a journey. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for a Savior who knows every step of my journey, those that have passed and are yet to come.

What a wonderful comfort to know that nothing ever takes our Lord by surprise. He is All-Knowing and His plan is always perfect. This brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. What a wonderful God!

Today is a day of music and song. Of reflection on Who Christ is no matter where life takes us. 

Restless ~ Audrey Assad

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless

'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You. 

My heart has been overwhelmed with life recently. I feel like I have been existing more than I have been living. I have been focusing on the outward life more than the inward life. Appearances more than heart. 

My heart is in need of Life. Of Living Water that fulfills and overflows. I am grateful for the opportunity to take time and pour out my starving heart to my Father. I am grateful for open arms that have been waiting while I've been floundering in living life in my own strength.

What love. What grace. What peace. What joy. What rest. What hope. What perfection is found in Christ. Everything that I can ever need or desire is fulfilled in Christ.

There is Nothing ~ Laura Story

Lord I come before You
To honor and adore You
For who You are and all that You have done
Lord I am not worthy
My heart is dark and dirty
Still somehow You bid for me to come
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
May our time be sweeter
May I be a keeper
Of the promises I make to You in song
Lord may I remember these moments of surrender
And live my life this way from this day on
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
So clothe me in humility
Remind me...that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord

May I press onward to know You Lord

Jesus thank You for bestowing Your grace upon me today. Thank for the opportunity to be filled with You; for time of rest and time of productivity. Thank You that You know me. Thank You for taking me as I am. Thank You for Your lovingkindness. Thank You that You love me too much to let me stay the way I am. Thank You for working in my heart and my life to mold me and make me into the woman that You desire me to be. I love You so much. You astound me. I am in awe of all that You are. May I not get distracted in life and loose sight of the wonder and awe of You. May I remember You in all things. You are Life. You are Jehovah. You are Savior. You are God. Thank You for blessing me today with such sweet time. Amen.

Letting Go

I have been living life in my own strength. I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. Trying to look all put together on the outside while the inside is slowly sinking with no hope on the horizon.  

Why do I insist on carrying my own burdens?

Why won't I let go?

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come to Me, all you who labor, are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease, relieve, and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief, ease, refreshment, recreation, and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne."

I hold so tightly to appearances and to the way I think that life should be. I so easily forget that the Lord has a plan. That His plan is perfect in His eyes (Romans 12:2). That I have no need to worry or fret, and that I am commanded to not worry (Matthew 6:25-34). Oh boy!

I am so earthly minded and I hate it. I long to be heavenly minded. To think of His kingdom above this earth. To think about my forever life in heaven rather than my limited life here on earth.

Why won't I let go of this world?

I want to hold on to Christ like my life depended on it (which it does) and hold onto this world like I could take it or leave it...but too often it's the other way around. And oh how ashamed I am to admit it!

But I will choose to cling to the grace that He freely offers rather than to wallow in my own self-pity. I will cling to Him no matter my failings. I will turn back to Christ no matter how many times I turn away to my own selfish ways. 

I will bask in the wonder of His lovingkindness; His merciful forgiveness; His gracious sacrifice. He is everything that I can never be and yet He longs to daily make me more like Him. What a wonderful God.

Abba. You are amazing and wonderful God. You truly take my breath away. I do not understand Your love for me and yet I thank You with all of my heart for bestowing it upon me. Thank You for calling me Your own. Thank You for wanting to mold me and make me into the woman You want me to be. I give You my heart and my life to do with what You will. I am Yours, use me. May I daily remember that each day is a gift and that You long to live it with me. Don't let me forget Your throughout the day. May I remember You always. Amen...let it be.

Real Life {The Struggle of Time}

What do you do when you don't feel that there is enough time? When the laundry is all separated in your room waiting to go from the floor to the washer. When the dirty dishes scattered around the house are waiting for soupy water and a sponge. When you have that ring around the tub that is begging to be sparkly clean again.

These days time feels stretched. I can either get two things done half way or one thing done well. Or struggle over which option to attempt and never actually get anything done at all.

Time is so precious. I want a clean house; but I want to have a relationship with my husband. I want to build relationships with friends; but I need to deepen my relationship with the Lord. I want to invest in so many amazing opportunities; but I need to have time to breathe and not over commit.

Time. You baffle me. We are always dancing. Leading and following one another and hoping we don't step on each others toes.

Tonight I did two things well. What a blessing. I had wonderful time with my Savior, and there is one load of laundry in the dryer and one load in the washer. It makes my heart sing :)

And yet it is hard to not focus on the loads that are still waiting. The dishes and tub that need cleaning. The floors that need sweeping and mopping. I have a choice to be grateful or to be resentful; to rejoice despite the mess, or to despair in spite of the mess.

I want to choose to be grateful and to rejoice for what has been done. I want to choose joy. I want to choose grace. I can bestow grace on others, why can't I bestow grace upon myself? Why is it ok if others do not get to their housework but if mine goes undone it is the end of the world?

Grace. May I never forget, to truly bestow grace on others I must first bestow it to myself. For I cannot love another as myself until I truly love myself. I must see myself through Christ's eyes. I am beloved. I am daughter. I am precious. I am princess. I am His.

When I choose to not forgive my shortcomings and bestow grace on my circumstances, I refuse the love that the Lord freely gives to me. I say no to Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I belittle His death and put myself above His grace.

Father, please forgive me for thinking too highly of myself. For thinking that I could ever be above Your grace. Thank you so much for Your sacrifice. May I bask in the wonder of your grace. May I simply say "thank You". Grant me a spirit of humility. May I reflect Philippians 2 and the attitude of Christ that He showed while He was on earth. May I daily accept Your grace. I long for You to increase and for me to decrease. Be glorified in me. Amen - let it be.

I Don't Want to Forget...

 I have a job. That statement still feels surreal and I'm not sure if it's true. But it is. Through God's grace, I have a job.

And that is what I don't want to forget. Him. His grace. His provision. I don't want to forget about the Lord now that I have what I asked for. I don't want to leave Him out of this new journey. I don't want to live life without Him, at least until I "need" Him again.

I don't want to forget my need for Him. I need Him all the time. Though after the dust settles and life calms down, it is easy to forget about the daily need for Him. It's easy to forget the battle that was just won, and Who won it.

Why? Why is it so easy to forget? Number one, Satan hates us relying on God and will step in as soon as possible to make us think that we don't need Him. Number two, life is busy. And it is easy to let the business take us, not stopping to take time to spend with our Father. I'm sure there are more, but those are the two that I feel are pulling me away at the moment.

In one of my interviews with Compassion, I told them that wherever the Lord provided a job, I wanted my office space to be filled with quotes and scripture that would encourage and challenge me. Sometimes my perfectionist spirit gets in the way and makes me feel like I cannot try something because what if it's not right? What if I fail?

If I fail, God's grace is sufficient. 

I know that it can be hard for me to keep my eyes on Christ and to have a good attitude when I feel unprepared and ill-qualified. But that is when I need to turn to Him the most. To cling to the promise that He is in control, that nothing will take Him by surprise, and that I am His child. No matter what happens, I am His child.

So in light of these revelations, I have been looking up quotes and scriptures that I would like to surround myself in my new office space. Here are a few examples:

       

      

      

Father,

May You be glorified through my life. May I remember Your grace and mercy; Your provision; Your peace and wisdom. May I remember You, spend time with You, and seek You even when life appears "easy". For You are God and I am not, whether life is easy or hard at the moment, You are still God. Don't let me forget You. And if I do, remind me Father, in Your love and mercy remind me of Who You are and what You have done. May I set up memorial stones (Joshua 4), like the Israelites after they crossed the Jordan, to remember the battle that was won. Thank You...Amen.

Real Life {Nerves...and then comes...The Hoping & Waiting}

Today I went in for a second interview at a wonderful company (I'm not going to tell you where, that will stay a surprise and I'll let you know where if I get the job). It was absolutely wonderful and totally unnerving!

I was so nervous leading up to this interview. My first one I wasn't nervous at all and this one, wow, it was crazy, my legs were actually shaking as I was putting on my makeup this morning. I don't know what had me so riled up, but whatever it was, I was not going to have it.

I didn't want to be nervous. I wanted to be excited, hopeful, but not nervous. When I'm nervous my personality disappears and I become a bumbling idiot...not exactly a promising attribute! I didn't want to be nervous because being nervous puts the focus and pressure on me rather than focusing on Christ and His promises.

When I was going in for my first interview, my dad sent me a text and told me that he was holding onto the promise that the Lord loves to give his children good gifts. That was an amazing text to receive and I have begun to cling to that promise as well.

That doesn't mean that if I don't get this job that God doesn't give good gifts, it just means there is another opportunity out there that He is just waiting to give me. It really encourages me and keeps my focus on trusting and believing in Christ and His provision rather than in myself and my personal abilities.

So today I am clinging to hope. I am clinging to a God who loves me more than I could possibly imagine. I am crying out in thanksgiving for the opportunity to shine His light. I am choosing to not worry and to not be anxious. I am choosing the Lord who is my life. I am choosing love, which is both an action and a Person. I am choosing to trust and believe that His ways are higher than my ways, that He has everything in the palm of His hand, and that He is in control.

I am choosing to let God be God. To give over my worrisome 

burdens and rest in His mercy and grace.

I will find out next Friday (August 24) if I have a job or not. So right now I am stuck with quite a bit of waiting. But I will continue to cling to my Savior who will never leave me nor forsake me. Who walks with me through this journey we call life. May He be glorified in the waiting.

Real Life {Job Searching}

I am officially job searching...and it's hard! I've never really done a lot of job searching because being a nanny, I always got jobs through word of mouth and they were not hard to find in Charlotte, with so many connections and opportunities.

But here in Ingersoll, it's a different story. Number one, I'm actually looking for what many people deem a "real job", one with an office, and not wearing sweats and old t-shirts that can get spit up and pooped on. I might even wear a skirt! Number two, if I find a job outside of walking distance from our house we will most likely have to buy a second car. Number three, I have no idea what I'm doing...great!

I have had about 5 interviews over the last month, and clearly none of them have ended with a job offer. I have to say it's discouraging. It's hard to get all dressed up, put your best foot forward, give of yourself and have the giving come back empty. 

But through it all, I am seeking His will and not my own. I really, truly want to be where the Lord wants me to be. I have no idea where that is or how long it will take to find it, but I know that He has a job all lined up for me, I just have to be willing to seek, wait, and trust.

Bummer. That takes away all striving on my own that I normally try and do, planning out every possible way things could work out and taking things into my own hands and doing things my way. I have to give it up. I have to give up my ways and let His ways rule. I must let Him be God, and let Him guide me, in His way and His timing, where He wants me.

Now of course that doesn't mean I can just sit around and do nothing, but it does mean that my heart must first and foremost seek Him above everything else. Above a second paycheck, above my own ideas of what would be good for me, above my time frame and my desires. It all has to be Him.

There have been many things that I have learned through the last month or so as I've struggled through this process. I have been convicted that His ways are not my ways. That just because I feel like I need a job now, or really yesterday, He may not feel that way, He may need me to wait weeks or months. Am I willing to wait? Am I willing to trust Him? Am I willing to struggle and learn the lessons He has for me through the searching?

I also know that I long to be a light for Christ no matter where He has me. I know that it is so easy to forget about being a light once I have a job from previous experience. I get distracted with my discomforts, with what other people are or are not doing, with what I deserve compared with what I am getting. I lose sight of Christ and put myself at the forefront of every issue, it all becomes about me, what I want, what I need, what I don't have, what I have to deal with, how everything is unfair, blah blah blah.

What a shame. How many opportunities have I missed to be His light while being blinded by my own selfish and prideful desires? More than I would like to count I think. But I truly want this to be His job that I take, I want to be right where He wants me, even if I am scared or uncomfortable. Of course that's easy to say now, when nothing like that is knocking at my door, but I pray with all my heart that He will give me the strength to live out the calling He is placing upon my life at this moment. Whatever He wants me to do and wherever He wants me to, I so want to be 100% willing and ready for Him to use me.

I want to be His girl. I want to let Him lead. I want to give Him control and stop trying to take it away. I want to see the blessings in the midst of the mess. I want to be transformed by Him as He refines this heart that is hardened with pride and selfishness, the need for control and for everything to be planned out just so with no room for faith.

Father God, may this broken vessel shine Your light through the cracks in this heart. May others see You in the midst of failings. Open my heart to Your leading and Your direction and allow me to learn what You have to teach me through this time of seeming limbo. You are great God, You are all I need, and please don't ever let me forget it. I love You Jesus with all my heart, may Your will be done in me.

Choose Joy

...what does it mean to choose joy?
...how can I daily choose joy?
...how can I be joyful in the midst of the pain and sorrow of this life?
...is being joyful and being happy the same thing?
...am I designed for joy? 

I am currently reading Kay Warren's book Choose Joy and it is one of the best books I have read recently. Over the last few months this idea of choosing joy has really resonated with me, it touches heart strings that I didn't even know I had.

I want to choose joy but I don't want to be fake and always "be happy" even when things are not going so well. I struggle with how to have joy and how to be open and vulnerable at the same time. What does it look like to be honest in my struggles while still choosing joy? I don't know, but I'm beginning to learn.

Choosing joy isn't about being happy all the time. Joy does not equal fake, it equals faith. Kay Warren defines it this way:

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things.

This definition immediately made me think of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which were the verses the Lord laid on my heart during my years at Capernwray Harbour Bible School, "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Joy can be found in the midst of whatever circumstances we find ourselves if we are willing to let go and let God. If we can come to realize that no matter where we are in life, that God is there and that He is in control and that He hasn't forgotten us. If we can trust God to be our Provider, our Healer, our Hope, our Rock, our Refuge, our Savior, our LIFE, to be everything that He promises He is, than we can choose joy in any circumstance.

Joy is not always easy, but it is always a choice. 

There Will Never Be Another You

There will never be another you. God does not create us with different sets of cookie cutters thinking, "Oh I liked this one last time so lets give it another go!" Rather, "[God] made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13. There will never be another you.

I have been thinking about this a lot and how this should affect how I live my life. Instead of trying to be a cookie cutter, I want to strive to be the 'me' that God had in mind when He purposefully and intricately created me. There is a reason that I am 5'8" and not 5'5", pale skinned and not olive skinned; that I tend to be cold and not hot, and there is a reason that I have Lyme disease and am not a healthy energetic woman. There is purpose behind everything that the Lord does, and I truly want to believe this so deeply that it changes how I live.

Recently I've been reading a lot of marriage blogs, articles and books looking for the guidelines and step-by-step process for 'the perfect marriage'. Not perfect as in flawless, but perfect as in, 'How many dates should we go on per week/month?' 'How long do we wait until we have kids?' 'What is the right amount of money that we should have in the bank account?' etc. etc. etc. I think what my heart is really asking is, 'What is the right formula?!?'

Guess what, there is no formula. I am unique, there has never been and never will be another me; my husband is unique, there has never been and never will be another him. So how in the world can I expect there to be a formula for us? Another couple may have figured out what works for them, but that same process will not work for us because we are uniquely us. It's really beautiful if I stop and think about it rather than focusing on the fact I have nothing to check off on my to-do list.

My 'formula' is found in Ephesians 5:21-33 where it is said, 'So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.'

Just because so-and-so got married and had kids right away doesn't mean that we should do the same. And if our friends bought a house right after their wedding, it doesn't mean that we've failed at marriage because we've been married over a year and still don't own a home. We are not here to copy other people, rather we are here to be uniquely us and figure out what that means in the Lord's timing. 

I am learning this same lesson when it comes to being a woman. When I see someone with a cute hair cut, outfit, kid, car, pair of shoes, house, great book collection, a fantastic singing voice, toned body, or great writing skills, I crave it. I want it. I covet it. Bad, bad, bad. Seriously?!? Have I forgotten those words spoken from Mt. Sinai, 'You shall not covet'? That is a commandment, am I into ignoring commandments now? Is that the kind of woman I want to be, no!
 
But it's just so hard isn't it, when you see something that is just out of your reach, and in comes Satan weaving his lies into your head and your heart, watering the seed of want. 

I want to be a woman who wants God above all else. To seek Him in the midst of my coveting heart crying out, 'Lord, cleanse me, wash me of these selfish desires that keep me far from them, rescue me!'

Rather than trying to find a checklist for a great marriage, a great exercise plan, or the right amount of chores to do each day, I want to seek Him with all my heart and let Him fill me. I want to stop searching for other people and things to fill the Jesus whole in my heart. Whether that be my husband, my friends, our bank account, when to have kids, when to buy a house, when to get a second car...I want to want Jesus above it all.

So God here I am, crying out 'Abba Father!' and asking you to renew my mind and focus my heart attitude on you. Thank you so much for your patience with me as I seek you and then once again, give in to my selfish desires and turn away from you. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness that you freely offer to your children. 

Today, I choose you, whatever comes Jesus, I choose you.

{Real} Life is Messy

No, no its not! It can't be! It must be clean, organized, and perfectly perfect. Yeah right!

"This house is clean"...she says to herself as she hides dirty clothes behind closed doors, or maybe we should say closed door as we live in a rather small apartment (the upstairs of a duplex) that has literally been transformed from a three bedroom upstairs to contain a bedroom, living room, bathroom and kitchen in each of the original three bedrooms.

"This house is clean"...as she scrambles around like mad, stuffing papers and dirty dishes anywhere she can find, as friends are arriving in 10 minutes and the house is definitely not clean.

Not much room for hiding, but she manages it. Why? To impress rather than be real. Not that she wants to invite guests in to the muck at the bottom of the tub from the husbands showers after a hard day on the farm or the pile of dishes that never seems do diminish. But why can't she be real? Why can't she just say "This is me, with the house full of dirty dishes and dirty sheets. This is me, with the dust bunny parties and the entryway covered in worn shoes. This is me in all my imperfections."

Why can't she let her guard down and be vulnerable in her imperfections? Because it's scary!!!!! Who wants to open up and say "I fail! I screw up! My house is dirty and my to do list is a mile long!!!"

Well, you see, she does...and she doesn't. There is war going on inside her heart. She wants to be a real person. But to share reality she must share failures and fears. Why can't she be real without sharing the hard stuff? Why can't she just be real in the nice, pretty, put togetherness of life.

Because life is messy, her life is messy! In order to be real she must own up to the messy and imperfect-ness of life, her life. And honestly, that is exactly what she does not want to do.

Why can't she paint a pretty picture for others to believe? Why can't she appear to have it all together, to know how to live her life, how to keep a house clean, how to stay on top of her to do lists, how to be perfect?

Because perfection IS NOT REAL!!! But she wants it to be real, isn't that good enough, can't she make it be real? No.

If she is going to share her life with others than she must own up to the imperfections in her life. She must be willing to be open and vulnerable and not having it all together, because that is real.

So here she is, being real, with you. Owning up to the fact that she does not have it all together. She has no idea how the pile of dishes seems to never get smaller, or why the dust bunnies seem to get bigger every time she puts away that Swiffer vac.

But in the midst of the imperfections, in the midst of being real. She will NOT give up and have a pity party. She will say "Jesus, thank you for this messy life that you have given me." She will smile, she will work, she will not worry, she will be quiet, she will spend time in the Word, and she will choose joy.

Why Perfection? Why Not Choose Joy?

Why do I feel that in order to do anything, wash the dishes, vacuum the floors, clean the tub, cook dinner, bake a cake, write words, speak into a life, that it all must be perfect?

What's so great about perfection? Why do we strive for it so? Why do we need the perfect dress, the perfect house, the perfect bank account, the perfect life?

Why can't we cling to love and embrace this imperfect life rather than wishing it away for something that is unattainable, aka perfection?

God created me for this life, not some other life that I have dreamed up in my head, that "perfect life" that I find myself day dreaming and pinning about. This life, right here and now, is what I am here for.

I am here to see Jesus and experience Him in daily life. I am here to have Lyme disease. I am here to love, to show mercy and forgiveness through the grace of God. I am here to be thankful for every thing that I have been given, for it is from above. I am here to share my life with you.

I am here to love this husband of mine, to enjoy every minute that we have together because we will never get to re-live this moment again. Not to spend time wishing away our "just us" days for days full of babies, not waiting until we have our own house, two cars, or a bigger bank account. No more waiting for "our life to start", it has started! It is right now and I don't want to miss a single minute of it! 

This life is about choosing faith in the midst of uncertainty, saying "thank you" even when we've had a bad day, and it's about choosing joy.

I want to choose joy. I want to know that in the midst of feeling hurt, I can choose joy, in the midst of feeling useless and burdensome, I can choose joy. It doesn't matter where I am, what I am going through, who has hurt me, who I have hurt, how much I've screwed up, or how I can't even seem to get out of bed without assistance. I will choose joy.

It is a hard choice, it takes effort and thought, it takes persistence and God given strength. But it is worth it. Joy is worth it all. Joy grants perspective. Joy produces a thankful heart (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Joy touches lives.

Joy is beautiful.

Will you choose joy with me? In the midst of imperfection, will you give Jesus your imperfect life, your imperfect faith and choose joy? 

I will struggle and I will fail in my striving for joy, but I truly believe that the more that I long for it, work for it, move towards it, that it will become more a part of my life. More a part of who I am. Oh to be a person that emanates joy. That I might let Christ rule in a way that produces a joy filled life.

Jesus thank you for...

...granting us the choice of joy.

...Your desire to rule and reign in my life.

...Your care of every moment and aspect of this life.

...Your words written.

...grace poured out.

...Your perfect plan in the midst of this imperfect life.