I am officially job searching...and it's hard! I've never really done a lot of job searching because being a nanny, I always got jobs through word of mouth and they were not hard to find in Charlotte, with so many connections and opportunities.
But here in Ingersoll, it's a different story. Number one, I'm actually looking for what many people deem a "real job", one with an office, and not wearing sweats and old t-shirts that can get spit up and pooped on. I might even wear a skirt! Number two, if I find a job outside of walking distance from our house we will most likely have to buy a second car. Number three, I have no idea what I'm doing...great!
I have had about 5 interviews over the last month, and clearly none of them have ended with a job offer. I have to say it's discouraging. It's hard to get all dressed up, put your best foot forward, give of yourself and have the giving come back empty.
But through it all, I am seeking His will and not my own. I really, truly want to be where the Lord wants me to be. I have no idea where that is or how long it will take to find it, but I know that He has a job all lined up for me, I just have to be willing to seek, wait, and trust.
Bummer. That takes away all striving on my own that I normally try and do, planning out every possible way things could work out and taking things into my own hands and doing things my way. I have to give it up. I have to give up my ways and let His ways rule. I must let Him be God, and let Him guide me, in His way and His timing, where He wants me.
Now of course that doesn't mean I can just sit around and do nothing, but it does mean that my heart must first and foremost seek Him above everything else. Above a second paycheck, above my own ideas of what would be good for me, above my time frame and my desires. It all has to be Him.
There have been many things that I have learned through the last month or so as I've struggled through this process. I have been convicted that His ways are not my ways. That just because I feel like I need a job now, or really yesterday, He may not feel that way, He may need me to wait weeks or months. Am I willing to wait? Am I willing to trust Him? Am I willing to struggle and learn the lessons He has for me through the searching?
I also know that I long to be a light for Christ no matter where He has me. I know that it is so easy to forget about being a light once I have a job from previous experience. I get distracted with my discomforts, with what other people are or are not doing, with what I deserve compared with what I am getting. I lose sight of Christ and put myself at the forefront of every issue, it all becomes about me, what I want, what I need, what I don't have, what I have to deal with, how everything is unfair, blah blah blah.
What a shame. How many opportunities have I missed to be His light while being blinded by my own selfish and prideful desires? More than I would like to count I think. But I truly want this to be His job that I take, I want to be right where He wants me, even if I am scared or uncomfortable. Of course that's easy to say now, when nothing like that is knocking at my door, but I pray with all my heart that He will give me the strength to live out the calling He is placing upon my life at this moment. Whatever He wants me to do and wherever He wants me to, I so want to be 100% willing and ready for Him to use me.
I want to be His girl. I want to let Him lead. I want to give Him control and stop trying to take it away. I want to see the blessings in the midst of the mess. I want to be transformed by Him as He refines this heart that is hardened with pride and selfishness, the need for control and for everything to be planned out just so with no room for faith.
Father God, may this broken vessel shine Your light through the cracks in this heart. May others see You in the midst of failings. Open my heart to Your leading and Your direction and allow me to learn what You have to teach me through this time of seeming limbo. You are great God, You are all I need, and please don't ever let me forget it. I love You Jesus with all my heart, may Your will be done in me.