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Monday, September 26, 2011

Tired and yet Alive

This past week has been rough...health wise at least. For those of you who don't know I have Lyme disease so my life is a little different than most, though I try to hide it. I am tired, though that is normal for me. It is not often that I don't feel tired, but those days do come and I try my best to make the most of them without pushing myself over my breaking point. And when I don't feel well it is very easy for me to become discouraged. Like I have been over this past week. I focus so much on the negative things, what I am unable to get done rather than what I am able to get done. It is a hard place to be. I long so desperately to seek Him in all my ways and to find my satisfaction and purpose in Him rather than in the things of this world, but that is very hard and I fail often. Though I do find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus and pouring out my heart to Him, it doesn't happen as often as it should, though I always feel much brighter and more alive once I have given over my burdens. I can be very prideful and stubborn, and I like everything to be done to perfection. Which of course everything is not so it is a losing battle, but for some reason I choose to fight it anyway. But I am weary of this fight. Of this fight to be perfect in the midst of my imperfections. I will never be perfect, not until I stand in Glory when my Father calls me Home. Oh how I long for that day! No more guilt, no more shame, no more trying to measure up, no more trying to be perfect.

I found a link the other day that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face all at the same time. I found that I am not alone in my struggle for perfection. I hope you will take the time to read through this link, it spoke peace and encouragement to my tired and weary soul.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/when-perfectionism-and-to-do-lists-are-overwhelming/

I will forever struggle with being perfect, but when I think of perfect, so often I think of the mundane, everyday life things that I would like to be perfect. I want my house to always be clean, I want my dishes always washed and put away, I want my floors clean and everything organized, I want plenty of money in the bank for "security". I want. I want. I want. Why is it always about what I want and not about what He wants? So, in my desire for perfection I long to think of Christ rather than this world. Why not focus on humility (Philippians 2:3-11), on hospitality (even when the house isn't clean), on love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a), on patience (even when everything isn't organized), on trusting in Christ for my security and not in a bank account? That is the life that I am called too and yet one that I so often get distracted from. I focus on the here and now, the things that are right in front of me, the things of this world that will fade away and not the things eternal that will last forever and ever. Jesus gave a higher calling than the everyday, mundane life. His calling is one of eternity, of security that will never end, of peace, of joy, of love, of LIFE. I want to choose every day to strive to His LIFE. In the midst of my failings, of my yearnings for perfection, I want to choose Christ. I want to lay down my desires, my wants, my "needs" and place them at the feet of my Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever dream and He has a plan for me. A plan that is perfect in the midst of imperfection, a plan that is good in the midst of the bad, a plan that is pleasing to Him. What more security could I ever hope to find than that promise? I want to focus on what I am able to do rather than what I am unable to do. To take life one step and one day at a time and to trust in the Lord to take care of the rest.