Saturday, April 28, 2012

Who Am I?

Sometimes I find myself wavering in the knowledge of who I am. I look to my own wayward heart to figure it out, I look to those around me to validate who I think I am, I read articles and watch other people my age and in my stage of life and try and live like them, try and find my security, my worth in living the life I feel I am supposed to live.

Who do I think I am?!?

If I look to other people and try and live like them, I will not be the unique person I was created to be. If I try and find my security and worth through the thoughts, words, and lives of others, I will always be disappointed, hurt and confused. So then where do I go? Where can I find my place? Who I am? Who I am meant to be? How to live this life?

Why does it take me SO long to turn to God?

Why do I exhaust every other outlet? Every other person, blog, song, book, etc. before I give up on trying to figure it out myself, stop trying to figure out this thing called life on my own and just sit at His feet crying out "Father!". Here I am sitting at the feet of my Savior, the One who gave Himself up for me, who died for me and three days later rose again, who loves me even when I try to live on my own, without Him. He is so great, He is so wonderful, He is so gracious, so loving, so beautiful, so patient.

He is God and I am not.

How do I seem to always forget that? How can I look at the vastness of this world, everything that is in it and think that I am God, that clearly I have been here before time and clearly I created everything that I see. That makes much more sense than the fact that I am just a breath, here one day and gone the next doesn't it? Why can I not remember that I am one little piece, one (hopefully) bold and vibrant strand woven into the tapestry of this creation that not I but He, Creator, Maker of Heaven and Earth, God has created. I am not Creator, I am not Maker, I am not God, and yet I want to believe that I am. Of course only when I think I know what's best (which I don't, I might add) and I know what I want to do, but when things are hard and I don't understand, who do I turn too? God. So why is it that I can remember that He is God, All-Powerful God when it's hard but when I can see a path that I want to take and it seems "easy" why do I assume that I am God? Because I have this disillusioned idea that I have control, that when things seem "easy" or "simple" (which they never are!), I think I know what to do, or at least I know what I would like to do, and so me, who thinks she's in control, goes for it! Sometimes things are ok for a while, sometimes I pat myself on the back and say "Attagirl, good job taking charge and making decisions on your own!" But then the longer I go, the more I begin to see things not going the way I had planned, not going the way I had envisioned them going, "how dare they!" I think, wondering how in the world everything had not fallen into place the exact way I had seen it go in my mind! And then it hits me, sometimes immediately and sometimes I fight it for a very long time, but eventually I let myself see, I open my eyes and look around me, and you know what I see? That He is God and I am not. Sometimes it's a relief when I finally acknowledge it, it takes the pressure off and I can finally breathe again. But many times I go into a downward spiral for a while, and I beat myself up for being so stupid, because I know that I know that I am not God, I know that I know that I am not in control, so why do I do this?!? Why do I give things over to God, act like this "great Godly person" and then tank in the trusting/He's in control/His ways are higher than my ways department? It's so frustrating!!! And if it's frustrating for me, it's got to be frustrating for Him right? He's got to look down at me and think, "Seriously, again?!? What is up with this girl!!!" But He doesn't. He doesn't rag on me after the umpteenth time of me "taking over" occurs, He doesn't sit me down and make me watch it in replays as I, once again, choose that my way is better than His, not the other way around. He forgives me, He loves me, He showers me in lovingkindness, He is gracious to me. As I sit at His feet, asking for His forgiveness and repenting from my wayward ways, He acknowledges my sins, forgives them and separates them as far as the east is from the west (aka they are no more). How amazing is He? Now don't think that I get off easy or anything. Just because He loves me and forgives me doesn't mean that He takes away the consequences of the actions that I choose apart from Him. Those are still mine, I still have to live with the decisions that I made, but I am not alone, He is with me as I struggle through the consequences of my sins. What a great God, He allows me to learn my lesson while going through all the muck that I created for myself with me and not making me do it on my own. He is a God like no other. Are there things that I want in this life that I don't have right now? Yes. Do I want to go outside of His will in order to get them? Yes and no. Yes, because I am a sinner and my selfish spirit likes to rear its ugly head...daily, hourly, etc. No, because in my heart I don't want anything outside of Him. I don't want anything that is outside of God's timing, His perfect plan and design that He has for my life. So I hope I will choose "no". I hope I will daily acknowledge that He is God and I am not. That I will find joy, peace, contentment and hope where I am. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing husband. We have our separate families who have become our own. We have a great home and a wonderful church family. We are truly blessed.

Jesus thank you for...
...Your gracious and loving care displayed in ways seen and unseen.
...our home that You have so graciously provided.
...the community that You have placed us in.
...our marriage that You are daily blessing.
...Your forgiveness and grace so freely pored out.
...Your patience and love in the midst of my failures.
...the beauty that is found in the breakdown of blessings.