"For by grace (a free gift that we do not deserve) you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8&9
Well apparently, before the iphone I didn't really take many pictures. So the first half of this year is mostly picture-less.
Summer 2012
Shooting guns at the Baigent's...Nannying for the Martin's...Charlotte Visit...Ezra is finally home!!!!...Coffee invades my life, with lots of cream and sugar...4H
Late Summer/Fall 2012
Our 1 year Anniversary of being in the same country (year and a half of being married)...Joe & Victoria get engaged...Job at Compassion Canada...Snow...Surprise American Thanksgiving
Late Fall/Early Winter 2012
Joe & Victoria get married...Capernwray breakfast...Charlotte for Christmas...Snow, Canada's welcome home present...New Year's Eve
The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,
doesn’t grow tired or become weary.
His understanding is beyond reach.
He gives strength to those who grow tired
and increases the strength of those who are weak.
Even young people grow tired and become weary,
and young men will stumble and fall.
Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord
will be renewed.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and won’t become weary.
They will walk and won’t grow tired.
Isaiah 40:27 - 31
I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up
in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are
closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies
that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the
Truth that is found in these scriptures.
Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.
Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.
But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.
I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.
Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.
Stay close by My side,
Keep your eyes on Me,
Though this life is hard,
I will give you perfect peace,
In this time of trial,
Pain that no one sees,
Trust me when I say,
I will give you perfect peace,
And you'll never walk alone,
And you'll never be in need,
Though I may not calm the storms around you,
You can hide in Me,
Burdens that you bear,
Offer no relief,
Let Me bear your load,
Cause I will give you perfect peace,
Stay close by My side,
And you'll never walk alone,
Keep your eyes on Me,
And you will never be in need,
Though this life is hard, Know that I will always give you perfect peace,
I will give you perfect peace...
Life. It has its ups and downs. Its times of making sense and confusion. Its time of peace and turmoil. Life is a journey. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for a Savior who knows every step of my journey, those that have passed and are yet to come.
What a wonderful comfort to know that nothing ever takes our Lord by surprise. He is All-Knowing and His plan is always perfect. This brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. What a wonderful God!
Today is a day of music and song. Of reflection on Who Christ is no matter where life takes us.
Restless ~ Audrey Assad
You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You
Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You
Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You.
My heart has been overwhelmed with life recently. I feel like I have been existing more than I have been living. I have been focusing on the outward life more than the inward life. Appearances more than heart.
My heart is in need of Life. Of Living Water that fulfills and overflows. I am grateful for the opportunity to take time and pour out my starving heart to my Father. I am grateful for open arms that have been waiting while I've been floundering in living life in my own strength.
What love. What grace. What peace. What joy. What rest. What hope. What perfection is found in Christ. Everything that I can ever need or desire is fulfilled in Christ.
There is Nothing ~ Laura Story
Lord I come before You
To honor and adore You
For who You are and all that You have done
Lord I am not worthy
My heart is dark and dirty
Still somehow You bid for me to come
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
May our time be sweeter
May I be a keeper
Of the promises I make to You in song
Lord may I remember these moments of surrender
And live my life this way from this day on So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
So clothe me in humility
Remind me...that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
May I press onward to know You Lord
Jesus thank You for bestowing Your grace upon me today. Thank for the opportunity to be filled with You; for time of rest and time of productivity. Thank You that You know me. Thank You for taking me as I am. Thank You for Your lovingkindness. Thank You that You love me too much to let me stay the way I am. Thank You for working in my heart and my life to mold me and make me into the woman that You desire me to be. I love You so much. You astound me. I am in awe of all that You are. May I not get distracted in life and loose sight of the wonder and awe of You. May I remember You in all things. You are Life. You are Jehovah. You are Savior. You are God. Thank You for blessing me today with such sweet time. Amen.
I have been living life in my own strength. I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. Trying to look all put together on the outside while the inside is slowly sinking with no hope on the horizon.
Why do I insist on carrying my own burdens?
Why won't I let go?
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come to Me, all you who labor, are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease, relieve, and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief, ease, refreshment, recreation, and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne."
I hold so tightly to appearances and to the way I think that life should be. I so easily forget that the Lord has a plan. That His plan is perfect in His eyes (Romans 12:2). That I have no need to worry or fret, and that I am commanded to not worry (Matthew 6:25-34). Oh boy!
I am so earthly minded and I hate it. I long to be heavenly minded. To think of His kingdom above this earth. To think about my forever life in heaven rather than my limited life here on earth.
Why won't I let go of this world?
I want to hold on to Christ like my life depended on it (which it does) and hold onto this world like I could take it or leave it...but too often it's the other way around. And oh how ashamed I am to admit it!
But I will choose to cling to the grace that He freely offers rather than to wallow in my own self-pity. I will cling to Him no matter my failings. I will turn back to Christ no matter how many times I turn away to my own selfish ways.
I will bask in the wonder of His lovingkindness; His merciful forgiveness; His gracious sacrifice. He is everything that I can never be and yet He longs to daily make me more like Him. What a wonderful God.
Abba. You are amazing and wonderful God. You truly take my breath away. I do not understand Your love for me and yet I thank You with all of my heart for bestowing it upon me. Thank You for calling me Your own. Thank You for wanting to mold me and make me into the woman You want me to be. I give You my heart and my life to do with what You will. I am Yours, use me. May I daily remember that each day is a gift and that You long to live it with me. Don't let me forget Your throughout the day. May I remember You always. Amen...let it be.
...is found in friendship, marriage, relationship.
...makes you stronger, wiser.
...increases your longing for someone. God, husband, friend, parent, sibling, child.
Father God, may I grow in the depth of my relationship with You. May I seek You above all else. May my desire for You continually grow deeper and deeper and may I never have enough of You. You are my everything. May I live in light of that Truth. Amen.
What do you do when you don't feel that there is enough time? When the laundry is all separated in your room waiting to go from the floor to the washer. When the dirty dishes scattered around the house are waiting for soupy water and a sponge. When you have that ring around the tub that is begging to be sparkly clean again.
These days time feels stretched. I can either get two things done half way or one thing done well. Or struggle over which option to attempt and never actually get anything done at all.
Time is so precious. I want a clean house; but I want to have a relationship with my husband. I want to build relationships with friends; but I need to deepen my relationship with the Lord. I want to invest in so many amazing opportunities; but I need to have time to breathe and not over commit.
Time. You baffle me. We are always dancing. Leading and following one another and hoping we don't step on each others toes.
Tonight I did two things well. What a blessing. I had wonderful time with my Savior, and there is one load of laundry in the dryer and one load in the washer. It makes my heart sing :)
And yet it is hard to not focus on the loads that are still waiting. The dishes and tub that need cleaning. The floors that need sweeping and mopping. I have a choice to be grateful or to be resentful; to rejoice despite the mess, or to despair in spite of the mess.
I want to choose to be grateful and to rejoice for what has been done. I want to choose joy. I want to choose grace. I can bestow grace on others, why can't I bestow grace upon myself? Why is it ok if others do not get to their housework but if mine goes undone it is the end of the world?
Grace. May I never forget, to truly bestow grace on others I must first bestow it to myself. For I cannot love another as myself until I truly love myself. I must see myself through Christ's eyes. I am beloved. I am daughter. I am precious. I am princess. I am His.
When I choose to not forgive my shortcomings and bestow grace on my circumstances, I refuse the love that the Lord freely gives to me. I say no to Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I belittle His death and put myself above His grace.
Father, please forgive me for thinking too highly of myself. For thinking that I could ever be above Your grace. Thank you so much for Your sacrifice. May I bask in the wonder of your grace. May I simply say "thank You". Grant me a spirit of humility. May I reflect Philippians 2 and the attitude of Christ that He showed while He was on earth. May I daily accept Your grace. I long for You to increase and for me to decrease. Be glorified in me. Amen - let it be.
It's the end of week two of working at my new job at Compassion Canada. It is also my first sick day...not exactly how I wanted to start.
Every time I enter into a new community I forget how hard it is to honestly share life, my unique life, with new people.
Thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful people on a daily basis. It has
blown my mind how caring and loving the staff of Compassion are. I don't
think there is any other place I could have felt comfortable enough to
ask for a sick day two weeks into my training. The Lord has blessed me
more than I could have possibly imagined and I am so grateful!
But no matter how wonderful and amazing the people are, I still struggle with the fear of their judgments and opinions. Wondering what they think of me. It is something that I have always struggled with. And it is something that I constantly have to give over to the Lord, knowing that He loves me and that He is where I need to find my worth and value, not in others opinions.
Nevertheless, I am never more aware of how invisible Lyme is to "the outside world" until I am thrown into a new environment. I worry how people take the fact that every day I fight the battle of Lyme disease, without it being an obvious battle that they will see. I struggle with honestly telling people how I feel each day because I don't want to bore them with the consistency of Lyme.
I forget how much I cherish being able to tell just one person, "It's not a good day", and knowing that they get it. I miss the camaraderie of struggling through life together and understanding each others quirks. I love knowing what makes a person tick, what touches their heart, what they struggle with, what they love, what bothers them. I love truly knowing people. Not just the surface stuff, but the nitty-gritty-real-life stuff.
In light of my struggle, I thought I would let someone else describe it for you. It is always a blessing when you find someone else who can describe your life. It brings home the fact that you are not alone in your struggle. Though this article is written by someone with Lupus, it describes many aspects and choices I am daily faced with: The Spoon Theory.
I hope you enjoyed the article. I hope that you can understand just a bit more how valuable life really is. I hope you realize that composing a blog post takes at least one spoon. That washing the dishes can take anywhere from 1 to 4 spoons depending on the day. That by the time I have "gotten ready" for work in the morning (rolled out of bed, taken a shower, done my hair, put on makeup, eaten breakfast, made lunch, etc.) that I could have spent half of my spoons for the day before I ever leave the house. It's quite a different way of living life isn't it?
Life is a blessing. Through Lyme and being faced with how to practically live life every day, I hope I take fewer things for granted. Having the energy to go out with friends is a gift. Having the energy to wash dishes after I get home from work is a gift. Having the energy to clean the house is a gift. Having the energy to stay up late is a gift.
Everything in life is a gift and I am grateful to be able to see through the lens of Lyme disease :)
