Real Life {It All Starts With Thanksgiving}

"...and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. And they all ate and were satisfied..."

Matthew 15:36-37

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will if profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus' rode wasn't easy. He didn't have a "cake walk" during his years spent here on earth, and so why should we expect our lives to be any different? Or when we experience hard times, why does that make us wonder if God is really there? Christ came to this earth to suffer and then commanded us to "pick up our own cross and follow Him". I would say those words should make us expect the hard times, the times when we don't understand why, and the struggles that come our way.

And yet what is our attitude during those difficult times when we find ourselves face to face with uncertainty? When the spiritual decisions we feel the Lord is calling us to war against the practical and earthly mindset of our every daily lives? When stepping out in faith isn't a little thing, but something that looks impossible/stupid/insurmountable when we look at what lays before us through our human eyes rather than looking into the unknown and the uncertainty through the eyes of faith. I would have to say that my attitude isn't always the best. In reality, it pretty much stinks!

I am definitely the one to look at everything in a practical sense. "Well if we do this than that will happen, so therefore we can't do that. But if we do this than that might happen and that could be good or bad but I can't guarantee anything so we probably shouldn't do that either..." And I could go on and on. This is the reality of my brain. I want to have a detailed plan that ensures that everything is going to work out fine. I want to be responsible. I want to look put together on the outside even if I'm a hot mess on the inside. 

The Lord has been challenging me A LOT recently through the many uncertainties that He has brought into my life over the last several months. And yet through this time He has also brought people into my life to speak words of encouragement and conviction that He is using to mold my heart and my mind to be open to His leading no matter what that looks like. He has used friends and family here in Ingersoll as well as back in Charlotte. He has used women I have never met but who I feel are walking with me through this journey by their willingness to sharing their words through a computer screen or through the books piled on my nightstand...

~ Ann Voskamp ~

"That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem."

 How to Live Through the Really Hard Storms

"And I’ve felt Him say to me in the deepest part of my heart, the part I sometimes let get too covered up, “You are so much harder on yourself than I am.”

I am. I’m hard on myself. I get caught up in the comparison game and feel like everyone is loving better, living more purposefully, doing more significant things and, essentially, blooming so much better than me.

I give other people the benefit of the doubt, but I never give myself that same grace. And that’s what God has been whispering over me.

Grace."

The Light of His Grace

Emily P Freeman ~ Grace for the Good Girl

Sarah Young ~ Jesus Calling

Each of these individuals have touched my heart deeply. God has used their words to bring me to a breaking point where I acknowledge that I want to be in control, I want to do what's right (and what other people think is right), I care about what other's think and it can sometimes rule my decision making. All these hidden heart attitudes, and more, that the Lord is bringing to light so that He can draw me closer to Himself. He is convicting me of my lack of faith in my God and in my husband, because I am not willing to let go so that they together, as the head of our house and our life can lead me. I'm just too scared as to what that might look like, but I am learning to let go, because letting go is all that I have left...

So, this might cause you to wonder what uncertainties would bring me through all this heart struggling? Well Matthew has been looking for a job since November of 2012 and until last week was unable to find anything. Thankfully last week he was able to get a part time job at Wal-Mart which we are both so grateful for! During the time that he was looking for a job my health also began to decline. I had to start pulling out of commitments that I had made (like being a youth leader and attending small group through our church) and my life began to consist of going to work, trying to sleep as much as possible, and hoping to make it to church every Sunday (which didn't always happen). But over the last several weeks my health has taken a drastic dip downward so that I am now having to take time off of work to  allow my body the time it needs to heal.

During this time of healing and recovery we will be living on the part-time hours that Matthew will be working at Wal-Mart . This of course put my overactive, everything has to make sense, we need a plan, brain into a major freak out session! I cried, asked God why, I ranted, I threw up my hands in an overwhelming "I don't know anything" motion. And He has answered. Not my questions mind you, He has answered by reminding me Who He is. He has been patient through my freak out session (ok, lets be honest, there's been more than one!) and has shown up in a mighty way. He hasn't changed our circumstances, and He hasn't made anything more clear in human terms. But He has bombarded me with the Truth about Who He is, what He is capable of, and what He has brought me through in the past and what He has brought others through. 

He is faithful. I know this to be true. He is now giving me the opportunity to live out what I say that I believe. And it is my choice to take Him up on it. It is my choice to say, "Ok, You are God and I am not. You love me more than I could possibly imagine. And You, not me, You are in control." Now the question is, will I trust Him, really truly trust Him with every single "I don't know" detail that we are faced with?

Yes. I will trust Him. Though I will fail, though I will let myself get overwhelmed when I look at the reality of what He is asking us to do, I come back with a broken and battered heart and lay it all at His feet once again. And I will trust Him.

Stumbling Over Keys

My fingers stumble, they stumble over these keys. Not knowing how to bring forth the thoughts that can't seem to make their way on paper...or onto this screen. They twist and turn inside my brain and I can't seem to form the thoughts that so desperately need to be poured out.

About love, about life. About faith, about failure. About grace, about hope. About God, about Satan.

"Put on the full armor of God...for our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

Ephesians 6:11 & 12

Satan strives so hard to rob us of the life that Christ calls us to live. Whatever angle he can find, he goes after it with a vengeance, just to pull us a little bit farther away from LIFE, from God, from Jehovah. 

And yet in that moment, when we feel the pull of the devil, all we have to do is cling to the One that has already won the battle of that moment, and every battle before and after that moment. Unfortunately that is easier said than done. Why? Because we choose to believe Satan's lies, just like Adam and Eve did in the garden, rather than cling to the life giving promises of our Almighty God.

I have always had a hard time with hope. I want to cling to it with all my heart and yet at the same time I want to run as far away as possible. Because I have always seen hope as relative. But I was challenged several weeks ago to see hope as what I know will happen because it has been promised. To hope that God is good, because He is. To hope that His plan is perfect, because it is. To hope in His love, because He is love. To hope in His molding of me, because He is the Potter and I am the clay. These are truths, promised by a God that never fails. I can hope in that.

I cannot begin to imagine my life without this hope. Without the love of my Savior. Without His forgiveness that I daily seek. Without His grace and mercy that are poured over my weary soul before I even know I am in need. Without His patience that I seem to push to it's limit (though there are none) at every opportunity. 

Father God, I am grateful and so very humbled by Your grace. By Your desire to pursue me. How You long to mold me into the woman You long for me to be. May my heart be open and willing to be challenged and moved by Your touch and direction. I am Yours. May You be seen in me. Let Your light, Your peace, Your life shine through me. Amen.

Real Life {When It's Easier to Believe the Lies}

Jacob, why do you complain? 

Israel, why do you say, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord,

and my rights are ignored by my God”?

Don’t you know? 

Haven’t you heard?

The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

doesn’t grow tired or become weary. 

His understanding is beyond reach. 

He gives strength to those who grow tired 

and increases the strength of those who are weak. 

Even young people grow tired and become weary, 

and young men will stumble and fall. 

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord 

will be renewed. 

They will soar on wings like eagles. 

They will run and won’t become weary.

They will walk and won’t grow tired.

 

Isaiah 40:27 - 31

 

I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the Truth that is found in these scriptures.

 

Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.

Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.

But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.

I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.

If You Want Me To

by Ginny Owens

 

Letting Go

I have been living life in my own strength. I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. Trying to look all put together on the outside while the inside is slowly sinking with no hope on the horizon.  

Why do I insist on carrying my own burdens?

Why won't I let go?

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come to Me, all you who labor, are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease, relieve, and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief, ease, refreshment, recreation, and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne."

I hold so tightly to appearances and to the way I think that life should be. I so easily forget that the Lord has a plan. That His plan is perfect in His eyes (Romans 12:2). That I have no need to worry or fret, and that I am commanded to not worry (Matthew 6:25-34). Oh boy!

I am so earthly minded and I hate it. I long to be heavenly minded. To think of His kingdom above this earth. To think about my forever life in heaven rather than my limited life here on earth.

Why won't I let go of this world?

I want to hold on to Christ like my life depended on it (which it does) and hold onto this world like I could take it or leave it...but too often it's the other way around. And oh how ashamed I am to admit it!

But I will choose to cling to the grace that He freely offers rather than to wallow in my own self-pity. I will cling to Him no matter my failings. I will turn back to Christ no matter how many times I turn away to my own selfish ways. 

I will bask in the wonder of His lovingkindness; His merciful forgiveness; His gracious sacrifice. He is everything that I can never be and yet He longs to daily make me more like Him. What a wonderful God.

Abba. You are amazing and wonderful God. You truly take my breath away. I do not understand Your love for me and yet I thank You with all of my heart for bestowing it upon me. Thank You for calling me Your own. Thank You for wanting to mold me and make me into the woman You want me to be. I give You my heart and my life to do with what You will. I am Yours, use me. May I daily remember that each day is a gift and that You long to live it with me. Don't let me forget Your throughout the day. May I remember You always. Amen...let it be.

I Don't Want to Forget...

 I have a job. That statement still feels surreal and I'm not sure if it's true. But it is. Through God's grace, I have a job.

And that is what I don't want to forget. Him. His grace. His provision. I don't want to forget about the Lord now that I have what I asked for. I don't want to leave Him out of this new journey. I don't want to live life without Him, at least until I "need" Him again.

I don't want to forget my need for Him. I need Him all the time. Though after the dust settles and life calms down, it is easy to forget about the daily need for Him. It's easy to forget the battle that was just won, and Who won it.

Why? Why is it so easy to forget? Number one, Satan hates us relying on God and will step in as soon as possible to make us think that we don't need Him. Number two, life is busy. And it is easy to let the business take us, not stopping to take time to spend with our Father. I'm sure there are more, but those are the two that I feel are pulling me away at the moment.

In one of my interviews with Compassion, I told them that wherever the Lord provided a job, I wanted my office space to be filled with quotes and scripture that would encourage and challenge me. Sometimes my perfectionist spirit gets in the way and makes me feel like I cannot try something because what if it's not right? What if I fail?

If I fail, God's grace is sufficient. 

I know that it can be hard for me to keep my eyes on Christ and to have a good attitude when I feel unprepared and ill-qualified. But that is when I need to turn to Him the most. To cling to the promise that He is in control, that nothing will take Him by surprise, and that I am His child. No matter what happens, I am His child.

So in light of these revelations, I have been looking up quotes and scriptures that I would like to surround myself in my new office space. Here are a few examples:

       

      

      

Father,

May You be glorified through my life. May I remember Your grace and mercy; Your provision; Your peace and wisdom. May I remember You, spend time with You, and seek You even when life appears "easy". For You are God and I am not, whether life is easy or hard at the moment, You are still God. Don't let me forget You. And if I do, remind me Father, in Your love and mercy remind me of Who You are and what You have done. May I set up memorial stones (Joshua 4), like the Israelites after they crossed the Jordan, to remember the battle that was won. Thank You...Amen.

What Do I Have to Give?

Lately, Satan has been feeding the lie that I have nothing to give. Not that I am the best thing ever or anything, but through Christ, each one of us has a story and therefore has something to give and share with the rest of us.

Each of us share differently. Some in obvious ways, some not. 

But we can never forget that we each have a story and our story is not for us alone but it is to shared.

I have forgotten over the last few weeks. I have forgotten that I have a story. That my story is God's story. And that He has given me a place designed specifically to share His story, and that place is right here. 

Sometimes I feel like nothing is going on, that life is in a way boring at that particular moment so what could I possibly have to share? But it's not about me, and what I have to share. It's about Christ and what He has to share.

Writing here is about putting away my selfishness and opening up to the Spirit's leading. It's about sharing the ups and downs, the boring and the exciting, the struggle in finding a job, the excitement for an important interview, the time spent on vacation with my parents, the marriage that I am constantly growing and learning in. 

This is my safe place. Which is strange to me because many who read these words I have not even met before, but I have a peace here. I have an open spirit here that is often closed to the "outside world". After all the quote, "I write better than I talk" describes me perfectly.

And in light of that fact, God gave this blog. A place to grow in grace and love. To be open and honest in the midst of my struggles and failures. To share His story that is my life. 

Because, it is all about Him. Everything. Every moment, every joy, every hurt, every mistake, every selfless act, every selfish act.

EVERY CHOICE IS ALL ABOUT HIM.

As I choose to begin sharing once more, I pray that I will remember in the so-called "boring times" of life to share His story in the midst of it. I pray that I won't give into the lie that I have nothing to share because it's not about me it is about Christ, and He always has something to share.

Last night as these truths began to resonate in my heart, the Lord opened my eyes to all that I had been learning and neglecting to share over the past few weeks. 

• We are going through an amazing study of the life of Gideon in church on Sunday's and it has been incredible! Every week it doesn't seem like I can write quick enough to capture it all.
• We have just started a young adults program at church and we are going through The Truth Project. I have never been through this study before and am really enjoying the spirituality and academics that are interwoven throughout each week.
• I am still searching for a job, but I have a very exciting interview Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 10am. I would covet your prayers as I continue to seek Christ in the midst of the search and I long to be where He wants me to be, no matter where that might be.

I'm sure there is more that has happened that needs to be shared, but these are the things that are heavy on my heart at the moment. Praying that the Lord will be glorified today, through these words and through our lives as we seek Him. Have a blessed day and may His grace and peace be with you.